IS IT OKAY TO LET YOUR CHILD GO FOR SLEEP OVERS

We have been conducting seminars on parenting in various schools and one of the greatest concerns raised by parents has to do with sleepovers. Many parents wonder whether or not to allow their children to go for sleepovers or to host them. Their main concern is the safety of their children during such sleepovers. We decided to source for knowledge on the same and here is what we have to share with you.

According to Pattie Fitzgerald, founder of Safely Ever After, sleepovers are part of a wonderful childhood, and many parents would like their own kids to be able to enjoy the same. Yet, they can also be a slippery slope just by their very nature, and it’s certainly appropriate for parents to have legitimate concerns. There have been stories about children being molested while at a sleepover while in others, children enjoy without anything bad ever happening. The answer to whether or whether not to have a sleepover is both a ‘yes’ and a ‘no’. It all depends with YOU and what you are most comfortable with!

Sleepovers can provide a perpetrator easier access to a child than a typical play-date during the day. This is because once children are in their beds or sleeping bags, there is a quiet, vulnerable atmosphere when children can be caught off-guard if approached by another adult, or possibly even the older sibling of their friend. In such an environment, a child might be less likely to shout out for help, or even yell out a good, strong “STOP IT!”, for fear of waking the others. The child may feel “trapped” and not know how to get away from the perpetrator. Also, during a sleepover, there may be more of an opportunity for a molester to victimize a child, simply because they can wait until everyone else is asleep. For this reason, it is important to talk specifically with your child about sleepover issues, before you make your decision.

Is the solution "No Sleepovers- Ever?"

That’s one way to solve the problem and it’s certainly a parent’s right to ban sleepovers if you choose. But, some parents may feel differently based on their own experiences or parenting styles. They may want to allow occasional sleepovers depending on certain circumstances. That’s okay too, provided you arm your children with clear safety instructions before ever allowing them to spend the night at another home.

Safeguarding a Sleep Over- A Parents Role.

Before allowing your child to spend the night at any friend’s home, you will need to have specific conversations regarding “good touch/bad touch/confusing touch.” You’ll need to pose some “what if” questions, to be sure your child knows how to react to anything that feels uncomfortable or “yucky.” There are many variables which can determine if a household is safe for a sleepover. You might be comfortable letting your child spend the night at one friend’s home, yet another home may be completely out of the question.

Run through the check list below

This will help you evaluate if this sleepover is a “safe scenario” or not. Consider who else may be at that home… for example, other relatives or adult friends? Is the older sibling also having a friend sleep over, do the parents have the same feelings that you do regarding the use of alcohol or other substances – particularly when children are around?

1. Do you know everyone who lives at the home?
2. Does anyone at this home give you an uncomfortable or “uh-oh” feeling?
3. Will the parents be home or are they having a babysitter in for the night? (If so, who is the sitter and what do you know about them?)
4. Are other children going to spend the night as well?
5. Are the supervising parents having their own adult friends over?
6. Will the children be staying in all night or is there an outing or activity planned for earlier in the evening (such as dinner out, bowling, or a movie)?
7. Will your child need to take a bath there? If so, who will be helping them? (Note: the smartest choice is for the child to bathe at home before going).
8. Have you told your child that they can call you at anytime, no matter what, if they feel uncomfortable or scared and that you’ll pick them up right away? *Even in the middle of the night!
9. Are you able to discuss safety concerns with the supervising parent(s) without worrying about what they might think of you?
10. Do the other parents make you feel guilty for asking questions, or try to minimize your concerns by teasing you or not taking you seriously?
11. Is your child generally able to speak up for themselves when they feel uncomfortable or uneasy?
12. Have you taught your child to trust their instincts and to listen to their own “inner voice”?
13. Have you discussed what to do if someone tries to touch them in an uncomfortable or unsafe manner?

5 Safety tips for kids away from home

1. Assess your child's age

There's no magic age where kids stop being homesick. However, the personality and needs of your child should help you determine at what age kids are ready for a slumber party away from home. The most important thing to consider is your child's safety, so it's up to you to judge whether he or she is capable of making safe decisions under someone else's supervision.

2. Invite the friend over first

Daytime play dates will give you a chance to meet the kid your child wants to have a sleepover with before you send her off to spend the night. Watch and see how the children interact with one another prior to agreeing to any slumber party plans.

3. Meet the parents

Either during drop off, at the sports field during little league games or at a daytime play date, schedule some face time with the adults who are hosting the sleepover prior to the get together. This will give you a chance to catch any red flags or give you peace of mind about your child's nocturnal adventure.

4. Lay out the ground rules

Don't be shy -- let the hosting parents know your child safety rules and supervision requirements for your child. Remember to offer info on anything about your youngster that will pertain to the overnight plans, such as any fears of the dark or food allergies. Also remind your child of your family's rules before he or she heads off to have fun.

5. Create a code word

Develop a word that your kiddo can use as code if he or she becomes uncomfortable at a slumber party and wants to go home. Whether it's a child safety issue like domestic violence or a social issue like drinking or a video game that violates your family's rules, a no questions asked policy when this code word is used will help keep you and your child at ease.

Overall, slumber parties away from home are something that are good for children and parents alike, fostering independence for children and helping you to let go of the reigns as your child grows, as long as you are mindful of basic child safety standards. However, note that setting these sleepover safety guidelines early on will likely lead to less resistance by teens down the road, so start early and send your kiddo off for some overnight fun, If you both so please!

Warm regards from the Nairobi Parenting Clinic Team.

Borderline Personality Disorder Why They Dont “Get Used to It ”

At the annual meeting of the American Psychiatric Association in New York this year, I learned about a new finding from one study with patients who exhibit borderline personality disorder (BPD). The same finding also applied, although to a lesser degree, to those with avoidant personality disorder (AVD), which is pretty much identical to the diagnosis of Social Phobia.  I suspect that the reasons for the similar findings may be different for the two disorders.

The finding involved a part of the brain called the Amygdala. This little doohickey is central to a lot of brain functions, but in particular, it is the center for the body’s “fight or flight” response. I always though it fascinating  that the amygdala also has specific cells which respond only to one’s own mother (or other primary female attachment figure) and nothing and nobody else, and other specific cells which respond onlyto one’s father (or other primary male attachment figure). 

Although one cannot prove such things, this fact suggests to me that primary attachment figures may be the most potent of all of the environmental triggers to fear-based flight or fight reactions. They are certainly more powerful that a therapist can ever be for doing so, for instance.

The finding may relate to one of the primary symptoms of BPD, which goes by a variety of names. In the actual DSM criteria, it is described as “affective instability, or marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days.)” It is also called high reactivity, and lay people often label it hypersensistivity. In psychological tests, it is called neuroticism. Clearly, amygdala activation is intrinsic to this phenomenon.

Therapists have a tendency to think that patients with BPD over-react because they misperceive the behavior of others as being emotional slights, when the behavior is not at all meant as such. In fact, these therapists do not even know to what exactly the patient may be reacting to, or alternatively, that sometimes patients with BPD feign such reactions in order to provoke a specific response in others in order to recruit them to be enablers of the patients’ spoilerrole.

For example, one patient would go ballistic if anyone ever even implied that her mother might have been a loving parent. Of course, if one knew all the horrible things her mother had done to her, one could easily see why she would find such a comment annoying - to say the least!

The study I am discussing here is by Harold Koenigsberg and others (Journal of the American Psychiatric Association 171:82-90, January 2014). Study participants were asked to look at a series of pictures with either highly negative or neutral content, and the activation of the amygdala and another region of the brain called the dorsal anterior cingulate was measured using a specific type of brain scan. The subjects also subjectively rated their emotional responses to the pictures. 

Exposure to these pictures and these measurements were then repeated. Repeated only once, I’m afraid. The study would have been a lot more powerful if they had repeated the exposure several times.

The changes in emotional arousal and brain activation after a repeat viewing of the negative images was small but signficantly different between patients with BPD or AVD and the "normal" control subjects.  

The brains of the controls seemed to habituate, while those of the patients with BPD did not.  Habituation means that the controls got used to or became accustomed to the awful pictures, and their arousal levels decreased from what it had been after the initial viewing.

If anything, the emotional arousal of patients with BPD actually increased with the repeat viewing.

This finding, if it can be replicated, might seem to indicate that the brains of those with BPD are abnormal in this regard. However, as I have ranted in the past, a difference is not automatically indicative of an abnormality. In fact, it may be a conditioned response that is highly adaptive in particular environments.

In the case of patients with BPD in particular, they invariable grow up in chaotic family environments in which “getting used” to the chaos and not reacting to it when one needs to could be hazaradous to their and their family’s health, as described in my post on Error Management Theory.  If the chaos continues, such individuals need to pay even more attention to it, not less. 

This new research finding fits my ideas about that to a tee.

As first days of summer go it couldnt really have been better than this

Actually after some thought and consideration, the above statement is a lie and I retract it. The first day of summer last year purely involved me sleeping and eating after Prom. Nevertheless, this year's first day of summer pars it, because, of course, it involved London and celeb stalking. What else? Yes, I thought I was over it too. I've relapsed.

Disclaimer: The following post may seem exaggerative (word? i like it anyway) but in my eyes and memories, IT HAPPENED.

The first TV recording I ever went to was All Star Family Fortunes in 2009. I was only 15. Back in the days where mum refused to let me go to London on my own. The embarrassing part is that 2 years on when I go again, I'm wearing exactly the same outfit. Unintentionally. It's also raining, like last time, and we're given the same coloured wristbands, like last time. Which is annoying, because I've always wanted the blue wristbands and they keep giving me yellow. IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK.

One difference this time was that I was with 3 friends, instead of my mum. Genna had never been to a TV recording before, Kiera had only been to *shudder* Push The...*gag*...Button, and Ellie...well...you'll see. So each of us were excited for different reasons; me because Russell Kane was on. Every time someone mentioned his name I had to grab the nearest person's shoulder and take a deep breath. Oosh. Before we'd even started queuing I was on a high because he'd tweeted me "Cacking my pants" after I said we were in the audience. SO CUTE. Favourited, natch.

Little did I know that things were going to get a lot amazinger. Firstly, we were FRONT ROW. I'd never been front row before. This was the good stuff. This was where you got picked on. This was where you'd chat with the stars. We weren't MEANT to get front row, though. We only got front row because of...Ellie. You know when people say "OMG if I ever met *insert famous person here* I wouldn't be able to contain myself. I'd freak out! I'd have to be escorted out hahaha!" etc etc, but you know, and they know, they wouldn't. They'd woooooo a bit and 'go a bit funny' but their sanity would remain intact. Even last week when I was metres away from Matt Smith I managed to stay in my seat and keep my fangirling emotions to a suitable level.

This was me on the outside:

This was me on the inside:

So apart from the hugging my legs and rocking, I think I covered it up well. But with Ellie? When she says she can't contain herself....she can't bloody contain herself. I applaud her confidence, I really do, but JESUS CHRIST SHE'S AN EMBARRASSMENT TO BE WITH. She won't mind me saying because she knows it's true, and I told her enough times. However I can't complain because she was the one who stirred up a fuss and lied to get us front row seats. "MARTIN SAID WE GET  FRONT ROW SEATS." "Oh, er, okay, just go round the other side, yeah, fine." She then tweeted Russell Kane telling him exactly where we sitting and how excited we were. I thought nothing of it. He won't be looking at his phone, would he? WELL...

Now I don't know whether it was just coincidence, or whether we were just in his eye line, but I am CONVINCED he knew who we were when his show was recording. The amount of times he looked, smiled, mouthed, COPIED KIERA'S HEART GESTURE (don't ask), and laughed at us made me cry. Literally. No joke. I had to be held I was so emotionally unstable. Even when he got a question wrong, he turned around and looked apologetic AT US. Definitely. Us. Me, even. My eyes. Apology. To me. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT. Have you stopped reading yet? Is this getting too stalkerish? I haven't even begun, love...

The show ended at 10:15pm. It was raining. It was cold. I REALLY needed a wee. But we wanted to try and meet Russell after. Which is fine, right, because people go to the stage door all the time after comedy shows for autographs and photos? We were the only ones waiting. We waited for 45 minutes, and in that 45 minutes we saw the Loose Women gang hilariously drunk getting into taxis, and saw Vernon Kay come out. Ellie went "Hi Vernon!". Completely fine. Nice hello. No screaming. But, er, he actually came over. We sat on the wall and had a conversation with Vernon Kay. In the rain. About ketchup. (We'd already had a conversation about sauces with him during the recording, so he knew who we were. If that makes the show I'll go mental.) He also offered us tickets for the following night, but that didn't happen. Probably because Ellie was tweeting him every 5 seconds. She has no shame. Surprised she didn't get blocked, the mentalist. 

I'd made the call at 10:45pm saying if RK hadn't come out by 11pm then we'd have to go. I wasn't going to miss the last tubes again. I didn't think he was going to, but miraculously, five minutes later, a woman emerged and spoke to a taxi driver. 

"Are you waiting for Russell Kane?" 

"Yeah I am, where is he?" 

"He's waiting round the front, can you drive round?"

Ellie: "ALL SYSTEMS GO. RUN RUN RUN. SPRINT. FAST GENNA FFS. MOVE MOVE MOVE." And there he was. Round the front. Just there. Waiting. I'd like to think for us, but he wasn't. (but I'll tell everyone he was, obv) I froze, but Ellie ran up to him. Gen, bless her, just shuffled towards him with her arms outstretched, and Kiera, not giving a fuck, joined us ages after. She wasn't running for anyone. I love Kiera. After seeing Gen get a hug (and a back rub, may I add), I got one too. I got a hug from Russell Kane. Haha. Then we got a photo. And he told us to come and see him in Southend. Haha. Then we went home, and I didn't even get the 'post-gig blues' the next day, because it was genuinely the most perfect evening. Just lovely, and overwhelming. This has been me ever since:

Only problem is now I love Russell Kane a million times more than I did before. My fangirl levels are peaking again. Oops. X

How I think Im going to get over it

Well Ive been feeling much better.
Anyway I've been having some really long and brilliant thinking time, its strange that now Ive got more time on my hands Ive got passed the point of being down about it and got to some really critical, analytic and positive thinking.
Anyway Its took me about 2 years but I finally sort of realise what it is that bothers me, its 'catastrophizing' When something happen my head FEELS like its the end of the world although that thought doesnt cross my mind and I dont think "The world is ending"
I feel the blackness of doom and despair and like everything is bad but I dont actually have those thoughts, I think because thier subconscious, ingrained and so automatic I probably don't notice.
Yes I realise Im being a bit manic but Im sort of giving you the dialogue of whats been floating in my brain and piecing it all together.
I feel bad because I think Ive failed (already knew that about uni) but obviously this is now being applied to all sorts of aspects of my life so the feeling associated with it, is now being projected onto other situations and clearly makes me feel downright shit.

In retaliation to this, Ive been  remembering the times when Id walk round the city when I lived there, on my own, shopping without a care and actually enjoying my own company and the freedom and independence.  Ive been visualizing it in my head, the shopping trips, the walks to restaurants, then the meals at the restaurants, the nights out and this is really having a positive effect on me because BEFORE id been constantly reinforcing my fears by going over and over my panic attacks and how they felt and then in turn feeling scared.
Now im reinforcing the good. Its not "Im going to be ok in this situation because the outcome may not be what I think it will" Its hard actual proof that I once did those things and was OK.Its memories I can look back on and remember and feel.
I'm re-programming myself to feel how I NATURALLY felt before this happened because I think my anxiety is learnt.
I want the good feelings to be more powerful than the fears so that when i go into that situation, it isnt the bad panicky feelings that arise "last time I had a panic attack" "last time I felt really scared and upset", its the encouraging, confident and REAL memories I want to prevail.

Ive tried to find this somewhere on Google, but I got bored of looking at higgldy piggldy websites that say coping mechanisms are the way forward. No thanks, Id rather re-programme my own mind than live in fear forever.  I was ok before the attack, and then after the attack I restricted my life as I was frightened of having another attack. I was applying what Id LEARNT to other siatuations (adapting) because my mind mistakenly believed it was protecting itself.

I guess the way round it is CBT related (Im going to have to concentrate  on making the memories powerful and then go into the situations - remember the whole Harry Potter and Death Eaters "expecto protronum" situation, its like that) but Ive never heard the cause of panic explained to me in such a way I understood why it had happend, and Im big on whys and how comes. 


Do you remember a time when you didnt panic?
Think about it and FEEL it.
You could have, like me, spent a whollle load of time reinforcing the anxiety attacks, the feeling of sheer terror, the dread and the shit times and your mind is going to fight like hell to bring them back in your head when you do something 'scary', because it thinks its looking after you - "Heyy look at this memory, look how you felt last time. Run home girl, its not safe here!" Think the survival instinct on acid. Its up to you and me, to fight it. Yes Ive been giving it a half hearted attempt previously, but now Ive got my own head around the 'why is this happening' I feel like im well equipped with dealing with it.
  
What else?

Having no job was making me feel pretty shit, yea it happens to everybody but still repetitively going over the "ill have no money" "I have no purpose" thoughts really does make you feel crappy even if you have someone 'whos been there done that, worn the t shirt and has now got a new job' telling you otherwise.
So,  after awhile I thought, no Im actually the director of a company. Yes is might be online, and not running YET as in nobody can pay using their card for a few weeks, Still its a big achievement for someone who's in their early twenties.I looked from a different perspective, not because anybody asked me to but because Ive obviously still got an optimist in me yet. (Go on Girl)

I also went onto my old Facebook Account, and purely by chance looked at my old inbox messages to my partner from when I lived in the city centre in a cute little apartment that looked like I was in cell block H. (Id have some great dinners with some of the Chinese girls that lived in the apartment too, introduced them to Sambucca and Indian food and honestly was so fricking social, always out for meals - yes I was a thrifty student always in my overdraft but i was happy and always out and about, shopping like I said) The messages I read showed a complete juxtaposition from myself then to now, I was so happy in my language, talking of the night out Id had previously with a flatmate, how Id meet him at the train station when he came back (Id walk the 2 miles and enjoy it) and I had an exam the next day

It didnt make me think, shit look what I'm like now, it made me think I AM STILL that girl, Ive just got to relearn going out in a busy environment and being independent.

I remember my first ever night there, Id never lived away from home and I was frozen like a statue in bed, quite sad and unsure what I should be doing with myself. When the flat mates moved in the next day, I still wouldnt catch a bus into town prefering to walk, but over time that changed and Id happily hop on one to the centre of town by myself, do whatever I needed to do and go home. I was the envy of my friends living in such a social, trendy place able to go to famous and up and coming places.
This is only 2 years ago.

I was scared, but I got over it because I was in the situation so long I had to. If I didnt go shopping, I wouldnt eat (well yes If i had things in the fridge but they'd run out, but it called for more independance)

Im going to hold onto this, re -reading this post and the messages and visualizing the times I had there, even writing them down and meditating about them at night if I have to. I learnt to be anxious because of one horrible day (if you dont know that story read it  HERE) and Ive reinforced being scared in most aspects of my life as opposed to before the attack when I lived in one of the busiest cities in the UK.

The other thing is - If I try things, what is the worst that's going to happen? Ill feel like I did 2 years ago, and 2 years later I'm still here, I'm still alive and I'm still OK.

You could have them days where you are thinking "whats the point" "when is this shit going to end" - I do, we all do. The point is you, you are fucking worth it, you are worth a lovely life thats as sociable and fear free as you are happy with and YOU are going to get there. (I'm glad I wrote it this way, because like I said, Ill read this back to motivate me as well)

Tomorrow I'm going into town to get my provisional so I can pass my driving test like I said I would. That's one of the steps.
After reading this back and editing it, Im feeling nostalgic and actually reallyyy wanting to go back to the city and I might go tomorrow - Ill let you know.

1st Jan I will be posting my Vision Board for the year. Lets see what I can do when I try, because Im bored of knowing what I can do when I dont.

Love x

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