They Could Have Been the Worst Four Years of My Life

The years of 2003 to 2006 could have been the worst four years of my life. My health was literally disintegrating before my eyes.

Although I had been gradually going deaf since my late teens, in 2004, my thirty-eighth year, I lost all hearing in my left ear. This crippled me. I had to leave the church band, could not engage in social dialogue, stopped listening to music (one of my greatest pastimes), could not hear the television, and almost drove my family crazy asking them to constantly repeat themselves. Otosclerosis, an inherited disease that causes the calcification of the bones of the middle ear, was the cause of this ailment. Yet of equal concern to me was the accompanying tinnitus. Although both ears suffered from it, my deaf ear produced a cacophony of continuous, ‘deafening’ sounds, including roaring, thundering, grating, and an extremely deep humming that was extremely unsettling.

Not long before losing my hearing in one ear, I was diagnosed as suffering from complex partial epilepsy, confirmed by undergoing MRI and EEG scans. Prior to this, I had never heard of this condition, thinking the partial-seizures to be a symptom of depression. At this time I ceased taking anti-depressants and took anti-seizure medication, which had (and still has) quite horrid side effects. I lost interest in almost all of my hobbies, entered a continual state of exhaustion, and both short term and long term memory deteriorated significantly.

During these years a recurring injury received from my childhood worsened to the point that I was frequently afflicted by agonising, throbbing pain for ten hours a day, for up to three months at a time. (An operation in 2006 healed this injury.)

It was a Sunday morning in November 2004, when I had come down with the flu for the sixth time in a row, (which may have had something to do with burning the candle at both ends recently…) that I reached a crossroads. With the deafness, epilepsy, injury and apparent inability to return to any semblance of health, I felt the crushing weight of despair threatening to descend upon me. This was the last straw.

I had a choice. My life appeared to be in a state of utter disarray. I could succumb to despair and slip into the miry pit of depression, or I could turn to Jesus and rely upon His strength in my weakness, as He said to Paul in 2 Cor 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I chose the second option. While I drove down Canterbury Road that November summer morning, I waited upon Jesus and recalled something I had heard in a sermon. My life was like riding in a bus, and the bus driver was Jesus. I was comforted by the fact that the bus driver always knew the destination and how to get there. This was my situation in a nutshell. Although my life appeared to be a complete mess and out of control, this was not the truth. The truth was that Jesus was in control of my life. I had nothing to fear. Jesus said in John 10:27-28, “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.”

So rather than let these burdensome troubles drive me to depression, I surrendered them to Jesus and placed my trust in Him. The pressures faded away and hope, joy, and peace prevailed.

May I ask you, the reader, a question here?

Considering the breadth of my troubles at this time, does it seem too easy?

I know the Bible says in James 1:2 to ‘Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,’ but trust me, although I reach this place eventually, this is not my initial reaction to trials!

Perhaps you are wondering why it did not take me days, weeks or months to learn to cope with these trials. How could I, after going through so much, ‘seem’ to shrug off their debilitating affects and yet live a normal life?

The only reason these afflictions did not drag me headlong into depression’s merciless grip was because I had already been down that road, back in 1990. It began with an eight-month period of living hell which included an endless cycle of debilitating anxiety attacks, chronic insomnia, crippling feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, utter despair at what was happening to me, and much more. As the days turned to weeks and then to months, I was crippled by the fear that this ‘thing’ that had overcome me would never lessen or end.

Here is an extract from my diary dated February 20th, 1990. (At this time, I had no idea what was wrong with me.)

Oh Lord, when will this end?
Day after day, I remain trapped
In this endless personal hell of pain and confusion.
I want to get out of myself!
To be someone else, anyone but me.
The me I know is gone, yet somehow I am still me.
I must escape from myself, but
I'm trapped in a suffocatingly small, dark room.
I know there is sunlight outside.
I run, push, and strive to reach that light,
But the room comes with me--I cannot get out!
Why? Because I am the room.
Jesus, for what reason have you allowed this?
Where are you? How long will you remain silent?
They say that others who have been down this route
Have left signposts along the way
To help those like me find the way out.
But where are these signposts?

By His grace and provision, Jesus helped me overcome depression and live a normal life again. And in learning how to cope with depression, Jesus set me free so that I need never again succumb to its depths. Galatians 5:1 ‘It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.’ In conclusion, it was because of what I learnt during my trials of the early 1990s, that I was able to endure the trials of 2003 to 2006 and through Christ, overcome them.

The purpose of this blog is to encourage all (myself included!) undergoing trials and tribulations to establish Jesus Christ as the cornerstone, or foundation upon which to build our lives, and through His strength, endure and overcome those trials in order to live life to the full. John 10:10 Jesus says, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

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(All verses from NIV)

Does Your Child Have Learning Disability

Does your child have difficulties in learning? Does your child have trouble processing information and absorbing the same? If your child can not try harder, pay closer attention or improve motivation your child may have a psychiatrist illness termed Learning Disability or Learning Disorder (LD).

The process of diagnosing Learning Disability starts with a psychiatrist. He will test your child. He has to rule out Attention Deficit Disorder / Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Autism as the problem. If so, and he finds the specific problem is LD then with other mental health professionals he coordinates the treatment as a team. Your child may be treated by an Educational, Psychologist, Developmental Psychologist, Neuro-Psychologist, Psychometrist, Occupational Therapist, a Speech & Language Therapist.

Only after a battery of tests you will get to know your child’s specific weakness.

He may have Motor Difficulties or Dyspraxia or difficulties with movement and coordination.

Math Difficulties or Dyscalculia or struggle with the memorization and organization of numbers, operation signs and number facts. The child may have trouble counting and in telling the time.

Language Difficulties or Dyslexia or having problems with verbal language skills or fluency of speech. The affected child may not understand words, parts of speech, directions etc.

Reading Difficulties and/or problems with Auditory Processing. Difficulty in understanding sounds, letters and words. Reading comprehension problems occur when the child can’t grasp the meaning of words, phrases and paragraphs. There is a definite lag in recognizing and understanding words; reading speed and fluency in general vocabulary skills.

Writing Difficulties or Dysgraphia or problems with neatness, consistency and the accurate copying of letters and words. Spelling consistency isn’t there along with word organization and coherence.

Auditory and Visual processing. The first is a problem in distinguishing subtle differences in sound or in hearing sounds. This affects ability to read, write and spell. Problems in visual perception include misperceiving depth and distance which affect motor skills, reading comprehension and math.

After specifying the type of LD your child has, the psychiatrist will assist you in the treatment. The brain has a lifelong ability to change, to form new connections and to generate new brain cells as a response to experiences and learning. This ability called neuroplasticity facilitates skills like reading, writing that might have been disrupted earlier due to some fault in the normal lines of communication in the brain. Hence the effectiveness of psychiatric treatment here.

You will be assisted in taking charge of your child’s entire learning input be it at home and at school. You may operate alone or hire the services of therapist.

You will be assisted in communicating with the school teachers, clarify your goals, listen to school officials, offer new solutions or ideas of your own, focus on the afflicted child in a calm, collected and positive manner and persist in executing plans that help your child.

You will learn that every LD child has a unique learning style. Your psychiatrist will assist you in finding that style.

Your child may be a Visual Learner who learns by seeing or reading but not verbally, benefits from notes, diagrams, charts, maps and pictures. Such a child likes to draw read, write, can spell and organize.

Auditory Learners learn by listening to lectures, oral reports and tests. Classroom discussions, spoken directions and study groups benefit the child. They tend to excel in music, languages and like being on stage.

Kinesthetic Learners learn by doing and moving. They benefit from hands on activities, laboratory classes, props, skits and field trips. They tend to like sports, drama, dance, martial arts, arts & crafts.

Depending on your LD child’s strengths and weaknesses, the psychiatrist will develop the strengths and make up the weaknesses till normalcy occurs.

Your psychiatrist will help raise your child’s self-awareness and self confidence, encourage him/her to resolve problems and persevere in solving them; set goals, reach the child to ask for help and to handle stress.

In short LD in your child isn’t a disaster, but is fully treatable and the treatment can ensure some success in life for the afflicted one.

- Dr. Rohan Jahagirdar

MD (Psychiatry)

Pune.

Mobile: 93 724 16 491

Clinic: 020 - 3240 5770  

As first days of summer go it couldnt really have been better than this

Actually after some thought and consideration, the above statement is a lie and I retract it. The first day of summer last year purely involved me sleeping and eating after Prom. Nevertheless, this year's first day of summer pars it, because, of course, it involved London and celeb stalking. What else? Yes, I thought I was over it too. I've relapsed.

Disclaimer: The following post may seem exaggerative (word? i like it anyway) but in my eyes and memories, IT HAPPENED.

The first TV recording I ever went to was All Star Family Fortunes in 2009. I was only 15. Back in the days where mum refused to let me go to London on my own. The embarrassing part is that 2 years on when I go again, I'm wearing exactly the same outfit. Unintentionally. It's also raining, like last time, and we're given the same coloured wristbands, like last time. Which is annoying, because I've always wanted the blue wristbands and they keep giving me yellow. IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK.

One difference this time was that I was with 3 friends, instead of my mum. Genna had never been to a TV recording before, Kiera had only been to *shudder* Push The...*gag*...Button, and Ellie...well...you'll see. So each of us were excited for different reasons; me because Russell Kane was on. Every time someone mentioned his name I had to grab the nearest person's shoulder and take a deep breath. Oosh. Before we'd even started queuing I was on a high because he'd tweeted me "Cacking my pants" after I said we were in the audience. SO CUTE. Favourited, natch.

Little did I know that things were going to get a lot amazinger. Firstly, we were FRONT ROW. I'd never been front row before. This was the good stuff. This was where you got picked on. This was where you'd chat with the stars. We weren't MEANT to get front row, though. We only got front row because of...Ellie. You know when people say "OMG if I ever met *insert famous person here* I wouldn't be able to contain myself. I'd freak out! I'd have to be escorted out hahaha!" etc etc, but you know, and they know, they wouldn't. They'd woooooo a bit and 'go a bit funny' but their sanity would remain intact. Even last week when I was metres away from Matt Smith I managed to stay in my seat and keep my fangirling emotions to a suitable level.

This was me on the outside:

This was me on the inside:

So apart from the hugging my legs and rocking, I think I covered it up well. But with Ellie? When she says she can't contain herself....she can't bloody contain herself. I applaud her confidence, I really do, but JESUS CHRIST SHE'S AN EMBARRASSMENT TO BE WITH. She won't mind me saying because she knows it's true, and I told her enough times. However I can't complain because she was the one who stirred up a fuss and lied to get us front row seats. "MARTIN SAID WE GET  FRONT ROW SEATS." "Oh, er, okay, just go round the other side, yeah, fine." She then tweeted Russell Kane telling him exactly where we sitting and how excited we were. I thought nothing of it. He won't be looking at his phone, would he? WELL...

Now I don't know whether it was just coincidence, or whether we were just in his eye line, but I am CONVINCED he knew who we were when his show was recording. The amount of times he looked, smiled, mouthed, COPIED KIERA'S HEART GESTURE (don't ask), and laughed at us made me cry. Literally. No joke. I had to be held I was so emotionally unstable. Even when he got a question wrong, he turned around and looked apologetic AT US. Definitely. Us. Me, even. My eyes. Apology. To me. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT. Have you stopped reading yet? Is this getting too stalkerish? I haven't even begun, love...

The show ended at 10:15pm. It was raining. It was cold. I REALLY needed a wee. But we wanted to try and meet Russell after. Which is fine, right, because people go to the stage door all the time after comedy shows for autographs and photos? We were the only ones waiting. We waited for 45 minutes, and in that 45 minutes we saw the Loose Women gang hilariously drunk getting into taxis, and saw Vernon Kay come out. Ellie went "Hi Vernon!". Completely fine. Nice hello. No screaming. But, er, he actually came over. We sat on the wall and had a conversation with Vernon Kay. In the rain. About ketchup. (We'd already had a conversation about sauces with him during the recording, so he knew who we were. If that makes the show I'll go mental.) He also offered us tickets for the following night, but that didn't happen. Probably because Ellie was tweeting him every 5 seconds. She has no shame. Surprised she didn't get blocked, the mentalist. 

I'd made the call at 10:45pm saying if RK hadn't come out by 11pm then we'd have to go. I wasn't going to miss the last tubes again. I didn't think he was going to, but miraculously, five minutes later, a woman emerged and spoke to a taxi driver. 

"Are you waiting for Russell Kane?" 

"Yeah I am, where is he?" 

"He's waiting round the front, can you drive round?"

Ellie: "ALL SYSTEMS GO. RUN RUN RUN. SPRINT. FAST GENNA FFS. MOVE MOVE MOVE." And there he was. Round the front. Just there. Waiting. I'd like to think for us, but he wasn't. (but I'll tell everyone he was, obv) I froze, but Ellie ran up to him. Gen, bless her, just shuffled towards him with her arms outstretched, and Kiera, not giving a fuck, joined us ages after. She wasn't running for anyone. I love Kiera. After seeing Gen get a hug (and a back rub, may I add), I got one too. I got a hug from Russell Kane. Haha. Then we got a photo. And he told us to come and see him in Southend. Haha. Then we went home, and I didn't even get the 'post-gig blues' the next day, because it was genuinely the most perfect evening. Just lovely, and overwhelming. This has been me ever since:

Only problem is now I love Russell Kane a million times more than I did before. My fangirl levels are peaking again. Oops. X

Does Your Mind Trick You Have a Look At Optical illusions

An optical illusion (also called a visual illusion) is characterized by visually perceived images that differ from objective reality. The information gathered by the eye is processed in the brain to give a perception that does not tally with a physical measurement of the stimulus source. There are three main types: literal optical illusions that create images that are different from the objects that make them, physiological ones that are the effects on the eyes and brain of excessive stimulation of a specific type (brightness, colour, size, position, tilt, movement), and cognitive illusions, the result of unconscious inferences.