As first days of summer go it couldnt really have been better than this

Actually after some thought and consideration, the above statement is a lie and I retract it. The first day of summer last year purely involved me sleeping and eating after Prom. Nevertheless, this year's first day of summer pars it, because, of course, it involved London and celeb stalking. What else? Yes, I thought I was over it too. I've relapsed.

Disclaimer: The following post may seem exaggerative (word? i like it anyway) but in my eyes and memories, IT HAPPENED.

The first TV recording I ever went to was All Star Family Fortunes in 2009. I was only 15. Back in the days where mum refused to let me go to London on my own. The embarrassing part is that 2 years on when I go again, I'm wearing exactly the same outfit. Unintentionally. It's also raining, like last time, and we're given the same coloured wristbands, like last time. Which is annoying, because I've always wanted the blue wristbands and they keep giving me yellow. IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK.

One difference this time was that I was with 3 friends, instead of my mum. Genna had never been to a TV recording before, Kiera had only been to *shudder* Push The...*gag*...Button, and Ellie...well...you'll see. So each of us were excited for different reasons; me because Russell Kane was on. Every time someone mentioned his name I had to grab the nearest person's shoulder and take a deep breath. Oosh. Before we'd even started queuing I was on a high because he'd tweeted me "Cacking my pants" after I said we were in the audience. SO CUTE. Favourited, natch.

Little did I know that things were going to get a lot amazinger. Firstly, we were FRONT ROW. I'd never been front row before. This was the good stuff. This was where you got picked on. This was where you'd chat with the stars. We weren't MEANT to get front row, though. We only got front row because of...Ellie. You know when people say "OMG if I ever met *insert famous person here* I wouldn't be able to contain myself. I'd freak out! I'd have to be escorted out hahaha!" etc etc, but you know, and they know, they wouldn't. They'd woooooo a bit and 'go a bit funny' but their sanity would remain intact. Even last week when I was metres away from Matt Smith I managed to stay in my seat and keep my fangirling emotions to a suitable level.

This was me on the outside:

This was me on the inside:

So apart from the hugging my legs and rocking, I think I covered it up well. But with Ellie? When she says she can't contain herself....she can't bloody contain herself. I applaud her confidence, I really do, but JESUS CHRIST SHE'S AN EMBARRASSMENT TO BE WITH. She won't mind me saying because she knows it's true, and I told her enough times. However I can't complain because she was the one who stirred up a fuss and lied to get us front row seats. "MARTIN SAID WE GET  FRONT ROW SEATS." "Oh, er, okay, just go round the other side, yeah, fine." She then tweeted Russell Kane telling him exactly where we sitting and how excited we were. I thought nothing of it. He won't be looking at his phone, would he? WELL...

Now I don't know whether it was just coincidence, or whether we were just in his eye line, but I am CONVINCED he knew who we were when his show was recording. The amount of times he looked, smiled, mouthed, COPIED KIERA'S HEART GESTURE (don't ask), and laughed at us made me cry. Literally. No joke. I had to be held I was so emotionally unstable. Even when he got a question wrong, he turned around and looked apologetic AT US. Definitely. Us. Me, even. My eyes. Apology. To me. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT. Have you stopped reading yet? Is this getting too stalkerish? I haven't even begun, love...

The show ended at 10:15pm. It was raining. It was cold. I REALLY needed a wee. But we wanted to try and meet Russell after. Which is fine, right, because people go to the stage door all the time after comedy shows for autographs and photos? We were the only ones waiting. We waited for 45 minutes, and in that 45 minutes we saw the Loose Women gang hilariously drunk getting into taxis, and saw Vernon Kay come out. Ellie went "Hi Vernon!". Completely fine. Nice hello. No screaming. But, er, he actually came over. We sat on the wall and had a conversation with Vernon Kay. In the rain. About ketchup. (We'd already had a conversation about sauces with him during the recording, so he knew who we were. If that makes the show I'll go mental.) He also offered us tickets for the following night, but that didn't happen. Probably because Ellie was tweeting him every 5 seconds. She has no shame. Surprised she didn't get blocked, the mentalist. 

I'd made the call at 10:45pm saying if RK hadn't come out by 11pm then we'd have to go. I wasn't going to miss the last tubes again. I didn't think he was going to, but miraculously, five minutes later, a woman emerged and spoke to a taxi driver. 

"Are you waiting for Russell Kane?" 

"Yeah I am, where is he?" 

"He's waiting round the front, can you drive round?"

Ellie: "ALL SYSTEMS GO. RUN RUN RUN. SPRINT. FAST GENNA FFS. MOVE MOVE MOVE." And there he was. Round the front. Just there. Waiting. I'd like to think for us, but he wasn't. (but I'll tell everyone he was, obv) I froze, but Ellie ran up to him. Gen, bless her, just shuffled towards him with her arms outstretched, and Kiera, not giving a fuck, joined us ages after. She wasn't running for anyone. I love Kiera. After seeing Gen get a hug (and a back rub, may I add), I got one too. I got a hug from Russell Kane. Haha. Then we got a photo. And he told us to come and see him in Southend. Haha. Then we went home, and I didn't even get the 'post-gig blues' the next day, because it was genuinely the most perfect evening. Just lovely, and overwhelming. This has been me ever since:

Only problem is now I love Russell Kane a million times more than I did before. My fangirl levels are peaking again. Oops. X

Stop relying on those struggling to speak first

(CW: talk of suicide.)

I’m a bit irritated. 

I used to blog a lot when I was irritated. I loved having fierce emotions and strong opinions but when my mental health started going up the spout, my fierce emotions became a misdirected mess and I had no opinions on anything because what’s the fucking point, am I right. 

But I’m irritated and tired at a particular part of the mental health conversation so I’m here and ready to bang my gavel.

It’s a repeated and basic point, but social media is both a blessing and a curse, especially when it comes to mental health. It allows a space for all to explore and be open, and it allows for trolls and bullies and thoughts and opinions from all angles. It’s liberating, but it’s exhausting. It’s progressive, but it’s dangerous. Ad infinitum. 

Thanks to social media, we also now know pretty quickly when someone - more often a celebrity/someone well known - takes their own life. There’s likely no warning. We refresh and suddenly know about the actions they took often no longer than 24 hours previously. Sometimes we don’t know them, sometimes we know of them, and sometimes we know them and like them and love them. It’s a hard thing to stomach. 

I try and stay out of the aftermath when this happens. I find it hard to read stories on suicide, especially when they’re so raw, and I know I can’t contribute to the conversation. I feel anything I say will be futile and so I step away, but not before I get probably irrationally angry at tweets and Facebook statuses and Instagram posts ordering those struggling with their mental health to talk. 

“Please tell someone if you’re feeling suicidal!!!”

“Don’t suffer in silence. Talk to someone. Say something.”

“I’m always here if you need a chat. xxx”

“I can’t believe someone could feel so lost that they’d commit suicide?!!” 

It’s not ‘commit suicide’, because suicide is no longer a crime. Say they took their own life, ‘completed’ suicide, or killed themselves. Do not say ‘commit’. Ok? Ok.

If I end up grating my teeth so hard just writing this post that I get sore and can’t eat dinner later then I’m gonna be so fucking angry. And I’m really trying to not be angry, and blunt, and sarcastic, because that’s not too healthy when talking about mental health, and especially suicide. I’m trying.

But, believe it or not, people who are struggling with their mental health likely know that they should talk. They know that there are people out there who would listen, whether it be their family, friends, teachers, colleagues, GP, a stranger on a helpline, strangers on social media. They know. They know that the biggest step can be admitting you’re struggling, starting that conversation.

They know. 

They don’t need an old school friend, who they’ve only still got on Facebook because they like keeping up with the dramatic oversharing, saying that their inbox is always open if you need to talk xoxoxoxoxox. They don’t need another thread on Twitter with thousands of numbers telling them to talk if they think suicide is their only option. They don’t need a whimsy Instagram quote on a beautiful background with an unncessary amount of hashtags telling them that they’re important and life is beautiful. 

It’s not enough. They know. People who struggle with their mental health may have irrational thoughts, but they still know they’re not ok, most of the time. They know about the importance of talking. They know who they can talk to. But they need more. They need:

1) The tools and skills to help them talk about how they’re feeling, and

2) Others to start the conversation for them

And 2) is what I’m encouraging here. That’s what I’m highlighting, what I’m shoving on a billboard, what I’m sticking up in neon lights with fireworks.

S T A R T T H E C O N V E R S A T I O N F O R T H E M.

Disclaimer: No, it’s not your responsibility to care for someone’s mental health. It’s not your responsibility to fix anything and provide answers. It’s not your responsibility to be responsible. But the art of conversation and learning and practising the skills to talk about mental health - your own and others’ - is important and underrated.

Please don’t get me wrong. I encourage the encouragement to get those struggling to speak up and not be afraid to talk about their mental health. Hell, I ran a fucking marathon (here she is, banging on about the marathon again) for Heads Together, whose message was just that. I encourage conversations and taking those first steps and going to see your GP. That’s great. It’s important. It’s not futile and pointless and basic. But it cannot stop there. You cannot rely on that. Everyone is different, their situations are different, and making it obvious that you can talk about your struggles is not enough.

A lot of people don’t know HOW to talk about their mental health, their thoughts, their emotions. We’re not taught it. Someone might WANT to speak up, but they don’t know where to bloody start. That’s something for another post. 

A lot of people are obviously unwell. They’re down or anxious. Their behaviours have changed. They’re erratic. They’re emotional. It’s noticeable. But those around them don’t know how to broach it. They feel embarrassed or like it’s not their place, so they wait for the person to admit it themselves. That’s also something for another post. Another another post.

A lot of people are secretly unwell. They’re good actors, they have coping mechanisms. They’re charmers. They’re jokers. They’re good at excuses, they’re extroverts. They’re high-functioning and they’re different people when they’re alone again. 

You’re not meant to be mind-readers, so what do you do then? 

The lesson here, to me, is to always be talking about mental health. You don’t have to struggle to talk about it. You don’t have to use technical language. You don’t need a psychology degree. You don’t have to talk about feeling bad, you can talk about feeling good. That’s still mental health. You can explore why you’re feeling certain ways with someone, and you can ask how that someone is too. 

You can drop them a text.

You can meet up for lunch.

You can go for a walk. 

You can ask them how things are going and how they’re doing. You can check in. You can talk about your own feelings to make it obvious you’re open. You can be invested in those around you, always. The more comfortable you make your relationships, the more likely someone will reach out should they need to. 

It shouldn’t take someone taking their own life for you to insist that you’re always there and your inbox is open. Mental health shouldn’t be a topic solely focused on when tragedy strikes. It’s not seasonal, it’s not topical at all. It should be an ongoing conversation, just part of your life, however you and your loved ones are doing and feeling. Always check in.
 

So when you feel compelled to tell people you’re always there for a chat or to urge those struggling to speak out, start talking yourself. Start talking now, go on. Send a text. Send a Snapchat with a rabbit filter, whatever. You’re not a mind reader and you can’t stop anyone from feeling mentally unwell, but maybe you’ll encourage someone to reach out. Maybe you’ll give them an opportunity instead of near-shaming them for not taking the step blindly themselves.

Don’t rely on those struggling to open up. Open up for them. Be aware. Be mindful. Be kind. That’s all.

Quick Contest Fun with first lines

I'm deep, deep into the first draft of something utterly crazy, so in the spirit of that, I thought we could play a game. Mostly because I'm too fried to think of anything intelligent to post.


So.

Below are first lines from several of my manuscripts. None of which are under contract by the way--these are not lines from Sanctum or Scan or their sequels. Below are lines from two trunked mss and three that have yet to see the light of day but probably will in the future. I pretty much never share excerpts from things I've written, so today will be a wild and crazy departure from the usual! Yay?

Here's what I thought we could do. I'll give you the lines and then ask a few questions. The person with the most correct answers wins a $10 gift card. If more than one person gets all answers correct, I'll flip a coin or use a random number generator to choose the winner. We can call this my so close to 500 followers it BURNssss contest, okay?

Okay, here are the first lines ...

A. "The chauffeur drove them home from the hospital, maneuvering the amphibious limousine through the waist-deep canals in their Back Bay neighborhood."

B. "If I had fingers, I would dig them into the earth at your feet."

C. "Amy and I picked our way through the thick stand of trees, the only boundary between the high school fields and the cemetery."

D. "By the time we cross into Sinaloa from Durango, I understand that I will never see my home again."

E. "When you’re cornered, you find out what’s at the heart of you."

And here are the questions ...

1. Which first line comes from the first manuscript I ever wrote?
2. Which first line comes from the manuscript I'm working on right now?
3. Which first line starts out a manuscript that includes walking personifications of doom and violent death who happen to be very good at Irish dancing?
4. Which first line is delivered by a character who is on an airplane?
5. Which first line is delivered by a character who is the daughter/son of a psychiatrist?

Okay, friends, happy guessing! Feel free to share a first line from your own work if you so desire. At the very least, it will make me feel a bit less self-conscious. Winner will be announced next Monday!