They Could Have Been the Worst Four Years of My Life

The years of 2003 to 2006 could have been the worst four years of my life. My health was literally disintegrating before my eyes.

Although I had been gradually going deaf since my late teens, in 2004, my thirty-eighth year, I lost all hearing in my left ear. This crippled me. I had to leave the church band, could not engage in social dialogue, stopped listening to music (one of my greatest pastimes), could not hear the television, and almost drove my family crazy asking them to constantly repeat themselves. Otosclerosis, an inherited disease that causes the calcification of the bones of the middle ear, was the cause of this ailment. Yet of equal concern to me was the accompanying tinnitus. Although both ears suffered from it, my deaf ear produced a cacophony of continuous, ‘deafening’ sounds, including roaring, thundering, grating, and an extremely deep humming that was extremely unsettling.

Not long before losing my hearing in one ear, I was diagnosed as suffering from complex partial epilepsy, confirmed by undergoing MRI and EEG scans. Prior to this, I had never heard of this condition, thinking the partial-seizures to be a symptom of depression. At this time I ceased taking anti-depressants and took anti-seizure medication, which had (and still has) quite horrid side effects. I lost interest in almost all of my hobbies, entered a continual state of exhaustion, and both short term and long term memory deteriorated significantly.

During these years a recurring injury received from my childhood worsened to the point that I was frequently afflicted by agonising, throbbing pain for ten hours a day, for up to three months at a time. (An operation in 2006 healed this injury.)

It was a Sunday morning in November 2004, when I had come down with the flu for the sixth time in a row, (which may have had something to do with burning the candle at both ends recently…) that I reached a crossroads. With the deafness, epilepsy, injury and apparent inability to return to any semblance of health, I felt the crushing weight of despair threatening to descend upon me. This was the last straw.

I had a choice. My life appeared to be in a state of utter disarray. I could succumb to despair and slip into the miry pit of depression, or I could turn to Jesus and rely upon His strength in my weakness, as He said to Paul in 2 Cor 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I chose the second option. While I drove down Canterbury Road that November summer morning, I waited upon Jesus and recalled something I had heard in a sermon. My life was like riding in a bus, and the bus driver was Jesus. I was comforted by the fact that the bus driver always knew the destination and how to get there. This was my situation in a nutshell. Although my life appeared to be a complete mess and out of control, this was not the truth. The truth was that Jesus was in control of my life. I had nothing to fear. Jesus said in John 10:27-28, “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.”

So rather than let these burdensome troubles drive me to depression, I surrendered them to Jesus and placed my trust in Him. The pressures faded away and hope, joy, and peace prevailed.

May I ask you, the reader, a question here?

Considering the breadth of my troubles at this time, does it seem too easy?

I know the Bible says in James 1:2 to ‘Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,’ but trust me, although I reach this place eventually, this is not my initial reaction to trials!

Perhaps you are wondering why it did not take me days, weeks or months to learn to cope with these trials. How could I, after going through so much, ‘seem’ to shrug off their debilitating affects and yet live a normal life?

The only reason these afflictions did not drag me headlong into depression’s merciless grip was because I had already been down that road, back in 1990. It began with an eight-month period of living hell which included an endless cycle of debilitating anxiety attacks, chronic insomnia, crippling feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, utter despair at what was happening to me, and much more. As the days turned to weeks and then to months, I was crippled by the fear that this ‘thing’ that had overcome me would never lessen or end.

Here is an extract from my diary dated February 20th, 1990. (At this time, I had no idea what was wrong with me.)

Oh Lord, when will this end?
Day after day, I remain trapped
In this endless personal hell of pain and confusion.
I want to get out of myself!
To be someone else, anyone but me.
The me I know is gone, yet somehow I am still me.
I must escape from myself, but
I'm trapped in a suffocatingly small, dark room.
I know there is sunlight outside.
I run, push, and strive to reach that light,
But the room comes with me--I cannot get out!
Why? Because I am the room.
Jesus, for what reason have you allowed this?
Where are you? How long will you remain silent?
They say that others who have been down this route
Have left signposts along the way
To help those like me find the way out.
But where are these signposts?

By His grace and provision, Jesus helped me overcome depression and live a normal life again. And in learning how to cope with depression, Jesus set me free so that I need never again succumb to its depths. Galatians 5:1 ‘It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.’ In conclusion, it was because of what I learnt during my trials of the early 1990s, that I was able to endure the trials of 2003 to 2006 and through Christ, overcome them.

The purpose of this blog is to encourage all (myself included!) undergoing trials and tribulations to establish Jesus Christ as the cornerstone, or foundation upon which to build our lives, and through His strength, endure and overcome those trials in order to live life to the full. John 10:10 Jesus says, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

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(All verses from NIV)

Panic focused psychodynamic psychotherapy hard to say but may make life easier

Having panic attacks? Looking for an alternative to talk therapy or cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)? You might consider panic-focused psychodynamic psychotherapy (PFPP), a 24-week course of therapy that's kind of a psychological exposure therapy, helping the patient explore and manage the hidden psychological conflicts that are contributing to their panic. From the link:

The treatment is divided into 3 phases. In the initial phase, the therapist focuses on identifying the meaning and content of panic symptoms, derived from exploring the circumstances, stressors, and feelings surrounding panic onset. Elucidation of a developmental history, including previous panic episodes, helps determine early life experiences and self and object representations that may play an active part in panic. The initial phase aims at relief of panic symptoms.

In the second phase, the therapist works with the patient to identify core conflicts underlying panic disorder. Conflicts surrounding anger and autonomy, as well as other contributing dynamics, are brought to the patient's attention. Defense mechanisms, including reaction formation, undoing, and denial, are addressed as efforts—often unconscious—to avoid facing emotional contributions to panic symptoms. Emergence of the transference allows for exploration of these conflicts and defenses in the relationship between therapist and patient. This phase focuses on addressing vulnerability to panic and relapse.

In the third (termination) phase, mixed feelings surrounding anger, autonomy, and separation are addressed as they emerge in ending the therapeutic relationship. The therapist helps the patient articulate feelings about the loss of the therapist, allowing for further recognition of conflicts and a reduced risk of panic recurrence. Increased assertiveness, encouraged by this patient-directed approach, and an increased sense of safety in being more able to tolerate mixed feelings, helps improve psychosocial function.

The Storms of Life

I wrote the rough draft for this post a couple of weeks ago but got sidetracked into writing the wilderness post. Although the posts are similar in theme, I finally found the time to finish this one.

We have probably all heard at least one stirring message entitled, “Come to Jesus and He will calm your raging storms,” based on Mark 4:35-41, as below:

Mark 4:35-41 That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"
They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!"

This is such an encouraging and powerful passage of Scripture, yet on each occasion I have heard a sermon based on it, a significant aspect of the passage has been glossed over or omitted. Let us look at verse 35. That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." Jesus, fully aware the storm was imminent, could have spared the disciples a great deal of distress and anguish had He said, “Look, there’s a really big storm coming, so let’s remain on land until it passes.”

But Jesus did not do that. Rather, he deliberately led the disciples through that storm. It is also important to note that the storm itself was not their destination – it was the other side of the lake. Bearing in mind that God uses all things for good for those who love Him; Jesus obviously had His divine purposes in mind when He took the disciples through that storm rather than avoiding it.

We can learn so much from this passage in Mark. It shows that our hope of being able to avoid the storms of life is an unrealistic expectation. I remember writing an essay in year twelve where I shared that I believed God would never allow me to go through any significant trials. Unrealistic expectations like this set us up for a fall. When those storms come, we are surprised, bewildered, and shocked.

Depression, the greatest trial I have endured, took me completely by surprise.

12th April ’90 –
What is this storm that rages within me?
Why won’t it abate, why won’t it subside?
It comes in like a storm, and devours me.
And it won’t go away. It’s near four months now.
Four months of doing nothing, just hiding, hiding, and waiting.
I have no future, how can there be one when I’m like this?
I can’t face anyone except those I must.
I wait and wait, I pray and pray.
But there’s nothing I can do, or else I’d have done it.
Every day means another day wasted,
I had such high hopes for this year,
But one third’s almost gone, and I’ve been in hell.
Oh Jesus, if I’d only known this was coming,
Then maybe I could have spent hours on my knees,
Begging You to avert it from me.

We can see by my conclusion in the above diary entry that I still had the false notion that we could avoid the storms of life. Although I had read Bible passages that tell us we will suffer, I subconsciously hoped that they would not happen to me. Hence when depression came, the shock brought me crashing to the ground. "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." (I Peter 4:12-13)

Let us also consider the words of Jesus when He faced with the greatest trial a man has ever faced - His atoning death on the cross. Matthew 26:42 He went away a second time and prayed, "My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done."

Another lesson to be gained from this passage in Mark is the disciples’ reaction to the storm. They feared there was no escape and that they would perish in it. That was my reaction to depression as well, I was terrified that it would never end and that there was no way out. I had completely forgotten that painful trials are part of our Christian walk towards growth and maturity, just as the disciples had forgotten Jesus words, "Let us go over to the other side." They already knew Jesus said they were crossing the lake, so why did they fear they would perish on the way?

Eventually, the disciples remembered the Lord and ran to Him for help. Yet instead of asking Him to lead them safely through the storm because they had faith in Him, they panicked, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"

Before going onto anti-depressant meds, depression afflicted me with chronic insomnia. Although some nights I managed to lie there all night without grumbling or complaining, after several nights of this torture I would snap. I remember shaking my fist at the ceiling and saying, “Jesus, why do you just sit there! Can’t you see that I need sleep? Why don’t you act? Don’t you care?”

The answer Jesus gave to the disciples in response to their fear has ministered so much to me. "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" I can imagine Jesus thinking the following as He gently admonished them. “Hey, why are you so afraid? Haven’t you figured it out yet? Don’t you know who I am? It’s Me, the One who brought your forefathers out of Egypt, the One who provided them with mana and quail, the One who lead them through the wilderness and into the promised land. Now if I did all that for them, why are you so afraid?”

And now comes the good bit, now we see why Jesus took the disciples through this storm, we see how He used this trial for good in their lives. Consider the disciples’ reaction when they glimpsed Christ’s divine power and glory as He stilled the raging storm. They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!" At long last, they began to understand that this Jesus was no ordinary prophet but God Almighty incarnated into human flesh, a God who was not impersonal and distant, but right there with them - Immanuel, God with us.

The disciples marvelled at the love and care Christ demonstrated for them, not only for stopping a raging storm just for them, but also for guiding them successfully to the other side. Did you know that a Psalm written centuries earlier shows us the disciples’ reaction to this very storm?

Psalm 107:23-31
Others went out on the sea in ships;
they were merchants on the mighty waters.
They saw the works of the LORD,
his wonderful deeds in the deep.
For he spoke and stirred up a tempest
that lifted high the waves.
They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths;
in their peril their courage melted away.
They reeled and staggered like drunken men;
they were at their wits' end.
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
and he brought them out of their distress.
He stilled the storm to a whisper;
the waves of the sea were hushed.
They were glad when it grew calm,
and he guided them to their desired haven.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for men.

My experiences with depression were the same. To this day I praise and thank Christ for leading me through that storm and to the other side. I marvel at the power and loving care He demonstrated as He gently lead me back to full health. The result was that I drew much, much closer to Him, and learnt to rely upon Him to the extent that subsequent trials did not become wilderness experiences.

Philippians 3:8-11. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

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All verses from the NIV.

When Life Seems Like A Cruel Social Psych Experiment

By now, you've all heard about it. About two weeks ago, a self-published author named Jacqueline got her book reviewed on an obscure book blog. The reviewer, Big Al, gave a mixed review. He said the story was good, but the grammar, punctuation, and phrasing made it difficult to get through.

Jacqueline didn't take it well.

Monday (completely coincidentally, the day I posted about the dangers of aggressive venting to cope with anger), things got wild. The author's comments got strident and then offensive. She attacked the reviewer and some of the folks who defended him. And was the writing community going to stand for that? Oh HELLS no.

It went viral. I watched it go down. Dozens of Tweets flew through my feed, all linking to Big Al's blog. After seeing several, I bit. I went over there to see what was happening.

Whoa. Over the next few hours, I witnessed an amazing live demonstration of several psychological concepts. It was so extreme that it left me with the feeling I have if I find a $20 on the sidewalk. All right, where's the camera and the psych undergrad? This must be an experiment.

Sadly, I don't think it was. So, here's your social psychology refresher:

The Bandwagon Effect: When something's popular, people tend to go along with it for social reasons. We jump on.

• When I first checked Big Al's blog, he had 75 followers (I'd bet a lot that was double what he had first thing Monday morning). At the writing of this post, less than 48 hours later, he has 614.
• Monday morning, he had less than 10 comments on that review post. By the time he closed comments late Monday afternoon (less than 8 hours later), there were 307. But that didn't stop anyone. In another of his posts, there are now 85 comments, most of which were left after the other thread was closed.
• At Absolute Write, the thread started to discuss the debacle has over 250 responses now.
• The book in question had exactly 3 reviews Monday morning. Last I checked, there were 68 reviews, and 54 of them were 1 star. Most of those folks had never read the book.

SO there you go. Bandwagon Effect. Most (but definitely not all) of the comments were very disdainful of the author and her behavior (and I would say this is a demonstration of another concept called "natural consequences"). After a very short while, few people had new things to say, but that didn't stop them from saying something. They were adding their voices to the deafening chorus of disapproval. I believe they did so in part because it was the popular thing to do, but I also think they did it because of:

The Downward Comparison: We feel good when we compare ourselves to less fortunate, less talented, less well-behaved, less shiny others. The concept of schadenfreude is closely related--taking pleasure in the misfortune of others. This could also be called the *points and laughs* phenomenon.

• There were several gleeful responses in the comment stream, heaping insults and ridicule, discussing how the author had committed "career suicide."
• The reviews at Amazon were full of harsh pronouncements such as "I know pre-school children with better grammar", "would make good toilet paper if it was printed", "semi-illiterate author", and on and on. Several reviews make fun in different ways, from making crude jokes based on the title of the book (which, unfortunately, lends itself to such things) to mocking the author's various grammatical errors in her comments and the book.

I think some of these reviews and comments were influenced by another phenomenon:

Group Polarization: The tendency of people to make decisions that are more extreme when they're in a group compared to when they're alone. I really think many of the people who added their two cents would not have said things in quite the same way if so many others hadn't fanned the flames, so to speak. It sort of pushed the limit, made more extreme speech acceptable.

But wait, there's more!

Online Disinhibition Effect: This is a newer term, coined within the last ten years, that refers to how some people disclose or act out more intensely online than they would in person. I believe (hope), to some extent, the author herself was influenced by this phenomenon. It's clear many of the commenters, including the hundreds of anonymous commenters, were. There are a host of variables that influence the strength of online disinhibition effect, and I'll definitely talk about them in a separate post.

A minority of commenters raised concerns for the author, especially in light of the sheer volume of negativity crashing over her. I believe what they've had to say has tempered the bandwagon/schadenfreude to some extent. Yesterday evening, at least 10 of the Amazon reviews had been deleted (but as of this morning, they have been replaced by others). The rate of the comments has slowed to a trickle. Part of it is that our attention spans are short. Part of it is that I think some folks, once they removed themselves from the frothy feeding frenzy, realized a more measured response might be called for.

Briefly (I know this is long and I'm sorry), here's how I feel about the whole thing.

As an author, I was shocked at the author's behavior. In my opinion, it was unacceptable by any standard. I thought she deserved to hear that her hostile behavior was unacceptable.

As a psychologist, I wanted people to take a step back and ask themselves WHY? Why would this author act out like that? What could be driving her? This book obviously means the world to her; it's an extension of her. And perhaps there are other things going on in her life. Perhaps she was thinking of this as her big chance to make a name for herself. Perhaps it was the one thing in her life over which she felt control. Perhaps it was the only thing she felt good about, proud of. Perhaps it was the slim thread that kept her attached to her self-worth.

I won't be doing any armchair diagnostic evaluation here. I have no idea who this woman is. But when clients come to me or any other mental health professional, there are often regrettable behaviors in their pasts. There are always reasons for it. And if we figure out what those reasons are, we might be able to change things to keep the past from repeating.

I am in no way excusing Jacqueline's behavior. She made a big mistake, and man, is she paying for it. But if we step back and wonder why she behaved that way, we might feel more compassion for her, and maybe that compassion will stay our fleet fingers, for a moment at least, before we press the Post Comment button.

How did you find out about this incident? How did you feel about it? Do you think the behavior justified the response? Do you follow Big Al now (he seems like a fair, thoughtful reviewer, by the way)? Were you like me--a riveted spectator? Or did you comment (it's ok to admit)? If so, what got you going? If not, what held you back? Do you have any other easy examples of The Bandwagon Effect, or any of these other concepts?