How were making our children more anxious and depressed

When I was a kid on Long Island, summertime would unleash a gaggle of us to roam the streets and sidewalks of our suburban neighborhood from morning 'til dark, with breaks only for lunch and dinner in the kitchens of our ranches and split levels.

Today, those same streets and sidewalks are devoid of children. Why? Here's what a recent Atlantic article says:

"Since about 1955 ... children's free play has been continually declining, at least partly because adults have exerted ever-increasing control over children's activities," says the author Peter Gray, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology (emeritus) at Boston College...

..."It is hard to find groups of children outdoors at all, and, if you do find them, they are likely to be wearing uniforms and following the directions of coaches while their parents dutifully watch and cheer."

Why has this happened? Fear: "...parents mentioned child predators, road traffic, and bullies as reasons for restricting their children's outdoor play."

Never mind that the actual threats facing our kids are likely no greater than they've ever been. If kids' lack of unstructured, self-directed play seems like a bad thing to you, you're onto something. It's the rare kid who doesn't find it stressful having a parent looking over his or her shoulder, and as we've discussed before here on PANIC!, stress is bad news. And the costs to children of not being able to explore and socialize and make mistakes and come to decisions on their own can be high, and may include an increased likelihood of anxiety and depression as they grow up:

There has been a significant increase in anxiety and depression from 1950 to present day in teens and young adults and Gray cites several studies documenting this rise. One showed that five to eight times as many children and college students reported clinically significant depression or anxiety than 50 years ago and another documented a similar trend in the fourteen- to sixteen-year-old age group between 1948 and 1989.

Suicide rates quadrupled from 1950 to 2005 for children less than fifteen years and for teens and young adults ages 15-25, they doubled.

Of course, this doesn't recognize that anxiety and depression rates depend on unknowable changes in rates of people seeking treatment for these problems and psychiatric diagnosis standards, but it seems pretty likely to me that driving our kids harder and giving them less space to find their identity and learn to manage their emotions on their own is a recipe for anxiety and depression later on.

The bottom line for parents? Try a little less structure and a little more "just be home for dinner."

Depression How Should We View Ourselves

There are many different ways of looking at ourselves, but which way is correct?

We can view ourselves through society’s standards and expectations, which are commonly revealed through the mass media including film, television, radio, magazines, and the internet, as well as through schools, the home, and social settings.

Unfortunately, society says that our worth depends upon our intelligence, attractiveness, education, money and achievements. Our society places too much value upon being successful, and often rejects or criticises people who attempt something but fail. Such people may become so disillusioned that they stop trying.

Society also teaches the theory of evolution, telling us that humans have evolved from animals as a result of random chance, and are therefore have no significance.

We can also view ourselves through our parents’ eyes. As a person’s self-esteem is formed during the early years of their childhood, it is important that parents encourage and build-up their children so that they develop a positive self image. Sadly, this is often not the case, as some parents criticise, shame, reject or over discipline their children. Such unnecessary criticisms and negativity gives the children a negative view of themselves. Upon reaching adulthood, such children often view themselves through their parent’s eyes, and even continue to treat themselves as their parents treated them, criticising, rejecting, even hating themselves.

Many parents also place unrealistic or impossible standards or goals before their children. They expect their children to be successful or famous. If the child fails, or is not interested, the parents say that they are hopeless, or punish them harshly.

The way that our friends and peers view us can also have a large influence on the way we view ourselves.

If we do not behave like them, they can be critical or reject us. Throughout my years at school, I watched some classmates bully and mock any child who was different. Some children tried to change so that the bullies would accept them, even doing what was wrong in order to please them. Other children suffered beneath the yoke of such oppression every day.

Another way to view ourselves is through our own eyes. This is not healthy either. If we have had a difficult childhood, we tend to carry that baggage into adulthood, falling into the trap of being too hard on ourselves, especially if we have made a mistake. And if we stumble and sin, even though we repent and receive God’s forgiveness, waves of guilt and condemnation continue to plague us long after the event. Pursuing unattainable goals and setting unrealistic expectations causes us to become even further disillusioned with ourselves. If we fail when attempting something too hard, we may conclude that we are a failure, no good at anything, or that no-one likes us.

So then, how should we look at ourselves?

We should view ourselves through the eyes of the One who loves us so much that He died for us, so that we may live with Him, both now and for eternity.

Hebrews 12:2 says Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. What was that joy set before Jesus that motivated Him to die for us? The answer is in 1 Thessalonians 5:10 He died for us so that, whether we are awake (on earth) or asleep (in heaven), we may live together with him. Jesus treasures us so greatly that He wants us to share our whole life with Him.

God did not wait for us to be perfect before He loved us. While we were still sinners, He reached out to us, drawing us, dirt and all, into His loving arms. That means that we are significant, that we are special. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

God forms His children, those who believe in Jesus, into new creations, conformed into Christ’s wonderful likeness. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17

God thinks of us as His treasure. Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 17:8

2 Corinthians 5:21 tells us that, God made Jesus, who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Jesus we might become the righteousness of God. So if God looks at us and sees the righteousness of Jesus in us instead of our sinful nature and problems, we should look at ourselves in the same way.

Zephaniah 3:17 is one of my favourite verses in the Bible, because it shows so clearly how God thinks of His children. The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

Instead of looking at ourselves through the eyes of society, parents, friends, or ourselves, let us look at ourselves through the eyes of Jesus. Then we will know that we are accepted, appreciated, treasured, and loved.

This was a lesson that the Lord re-taught me while stuck in the pit of severe depression:

From my diary, 15/5/1990 –
Self-hate keeps descending upon me like a swarm of angry hornets.
I look at myself and find nothing but contempt
for this pathetic person that I have become.
But I know that this is wrong.
If I examine myself through Jesus eyes, I see someone special.
I see how much He loves me, and cares for me,
how much I mean to Him, and that He understands.

How world class swimmers manage anxiety

If you'd asked me, I'd have guessed that Olympic-level competitive swimmers are all but immune to panic. To excel to that level, after all -- to cope with the pressure of competing against the world's best -- they'd have to have the ability to rein in their anxiety. But according to a recent New York Times article, anxiety and panic are serious problems even among world-class swimmers. To wit:

Her body was quivering and she was sputtering for breath. The swimmer in obvious distress was not a toddler who took a tumble into the water; it was a future world-record holder in the warm-down pool at the 2004 Summer Games in Athens.

The teenager Katie Hoff was having a panic attack and the fully-clothed man who waded in to rescue her was not a lifeguard; it was the United States Olympic coach, Mark Schubert, who soothed her by saying the anxiety that made her palms clammy, her heart race and her mind a tangled web was a well-known opponent on the world scene.

How swimmers learn to cope:

To inoculate its team members against any strain of performance flu, United States Swimming officials periodically invite them to seminars on using visualization techniques to achieve optimal performances run by people affiliated with the Pacific Institute based in Seattle. One of their speakers last fall was Brian Goodell, a two-time Olympic gold medalist who weathered a panic attack to win the 1,500-meter freestyle at the 1976 Summer Games in Montreal.

The aim is to turn the athletes’ minds into bunkers that fortify them against self-doubts.

Man oh man, I'd love to get me one of them bunkers.

How Best to Handle Criticism

Criticism is defined as the expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes. 

Every man in his lifetime must be a receiver of criticism at one point or another. Naturally, no man loves being criticized because criticism stings like a grain of sand in the eye. Any wise person however, can learn how to be patient enough to listen to criticism and draw the most out of it, especially if it is valid. It is like mining gold: amidst the dirt do you find the precious jewel, and when refined, it becomes the most valuable of all jewels.

In this article, we will learn various techniques of handling criticism such that you gain the most out of it.

TYPES OF CRITICISM

 Criticism can be either valid or unjustified.

Valid criticism is the constructive kind of criticism which is based on accurate perceptions of events or behavior. The person doing the criticizing is motivated by a desire to help and provides solid suggestions for change.

You know it is valid criticism when you:

• have heard the criticism from more than one person
• the critic knows a great deal about the subject
• the critic is generally known as someone who has and applies reasonable standards of behavior

 Unjustified criticism on the other hand is the kind that is often delivered by someone when you don't live up to their expectations. The critic might nag, recite your failures as a person, try to appear smarter, better than you etc.

RESPONDING TO CRITICISM

To gain the most out of criticism you should use an assertive communication style when responding to it. This ensures that you show respect for yourself and your critic, without attacking or surrendering. Your main intention is to resolve misunderstandings, acknowledge what may be accurate in the criticism, and dilute any unjustified attack.

The following are the three most basic communication techniques that are effective in responding to criticism:

1.Acknowledgment

2.Disarming

3.Probing

I.                   ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

When someone criticizes you and the criticism is accurate, an appropriate response is simply to agree. This technique allows you to accept your mistake without apologizing or "beating yourself up" about it. 

1. In acknowledging the content of a criticism that you receive, you can do either of the following           Say "You're right"
2. Paraphrase criticism, so the critic is sure you heard him/her accurately
3. Thank the critic, if appropriate
4. Apologize or explain yourself, if appropriate.

For instance...

Criticism A:

“Can't you be more careful when you put your dirty clothes in the wash. You left a tissue in your pocket again so now I have to wash everything over!”

Response:                                                                                                     

“You're right. I should have checked my pockets first. Thanks for washing my clothes again.”

Criticism B:

“You said you would get Joe's gift! Now we don't have time to get a gift before his party! Thanks a lot!”

Response:

“You're right. I was going to write myself a reminder note and I didn't. I'm sorry.”

Criticism C:

“Where have you been?! You were going to meet me at the mall at 10:00 and you never showed up!”

Response:

“You're right. A crisis came up at work as I was leaving. I tried to call you, but you had already left.”

II.                DISARMING

This is one of the most difficult, yet powerful, techniques for responding to criticism. Disarming allows you to defuse the situation, without acknowledging that you actually agree with the criticism

       1. Find something in the criticism that is accurate and acknowledge it.

Criticism A: “

You're such a slob. You never clean up after yourself.”

Response:

“You're right. I did leave the dishes in the sink yesterday.” (This acknowledges that indeed you left the dishes in the sink, but you don't agree with the exaggeration that you never clean up after yourself or the global judgment that you are a "slob".)

       2. In your mind, there is no reasonable chance that the critic is right. But, you acknowledge the critic's feelings.

 Criticism :

“I can't believe you don't lock your car doors. It's an invitation to have it stolen. Some day you're going to walk out and your car will be gone”

Response:

“You may be right. I appreciate your concern.”

III.             PROBING

This technique is effective when you can't tell if the criticism is valid or unjustified because the critic is vague. Probing allows you to gain enough information from the critic to determine his/her intent. Using where, what, when, how, and why questions allows you to elicit the information you need to judge how to respond to the criticism.

Criticism A:

You don't seem like yourself anymore.”

Response:

“What do you mean? What am I doing?” Or: “Why do you think I don't seem like myself?” Or: “When are you observing that I don't seem like myself?

Criticism B:

“You're really treating Margaret lousy. You must not like her anymore. “

Response:

“What did I do that makes you think I don't like Margaret?”

Criticism C:

“You don't work well with the customers.”

Response:

“Was there a recent situation that concerns you?”

Or: “Would you give me an example of what I do that you believe is "not working well" with the customers?”

We hope that the next time you are faced by a critic, you will draw the most out of his/ her criticisms. In the same way, we hope that the next time you have to criticize someone/ something, it will be constructive. You may consider using the sandwich approach demonstrated in the diagram below in a bid to ensure you help the people you correct become better while pointing out their mistakes.

References

http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/dealing-with-criticism.html#ixzz3e9hA7IRZ

http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/dealing-with-criticism.html