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The Joy of Self Esteem What Its Related to and What Its Not

First, for those of you who commented Wednesday, and for those of you who communicated with me over email, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm really honored to have these conversations with you.

Now. Self-esteem. The whole thing is kind of complicated. This won't be the only post I do on this topic. And before I get started, just a warning: If you look at my profile up there in the top righthand corner, it says "unapologetically empirical". That means I value good evidence over what-seems-like-it-should-be-true (most of the time, at least). Here's where I got my evidence for today's post: an article that reviews about 15,000 studies' worth of data on self-esteem.

Several decades ago, a few studies came out linking self-esteem to good outcomes for people. And some psychologists said, "America, self-esteem is where it's at."

Is anyone else vaguely creeped out by this?

We make people feel good about themselves and our problems are solved.  What's not to love about this idea?At least one state--California--spent tons o' money on initiatives meant to improve self-esteem. And then things got a little wild.  Folks started banning games of tag in school playgrounds and giving out prizes for nothing at all and tossing confetti at people.

And then researchers took a step back and ... did better research. And then a few others looked at all the studies together. Their findings?

Self-esteem is nice, but it ain't all that.


Sigh. These psychologists said, "Erm, America, we might have jumped the gun."

It turns out self-esteem is not strongly related to many outcomes. Not substance abuse. Not interpersonal success. For the things it is related to, there's no solid evidence that it CAUSES them. It's  related to depression but not considered a primary cause of it. It's also related to academic success ... but a close analysis suggests that success raises self-esteem, not the other way around. Interventions meant to increase student self-esteem haven't actually resulted in kids doing better in school.

High self-esteem does have its benefits. It's related to persistence in challenging tasks as well as happiness and emotional resilience. That's good stuff, and can really come in handy when you're a writer who's trying to make it to publication. People with high self-esteem rate themselves as prettier, smarter, more likeable, and generally shinier than others. It's not necessarily true, but it can keep you going, right? High self-esteem may be the fluffy buffer that protects some people from the slings and arrows of life (research results are actually mixed on this one).

Anyway, many of you said your self-esteem fluctuates depending on what's going on in your life--and depending on what part of your life we're talking about. Some of you are feeling discouraged, and you feel bad about yourselves. Some of you are really riding the rollercoaster right now, feeling different every day. Some of you are in a good place, and you're feeling fantastic about yourselves. Some of you are treading the middle path. Many of you tied that to your evaluations of your skill or success in one area or another. All that makes really good sense. What research seems to suggest is that events in our lives really have an affect on how we feel about ourselves, as much as or more than the reverse.

Self-esteem is a perception. It's not guaranteed, objective, verifiable reality. In fact, it sometimes veers sharply away from reality. You can be really good and still feel bad about yourself. You can suck and feel good. And feeling good feels GOOD. It's great, unless it holds you back from improving, which could be a huge problem for a writer. But if it lets you face the criticism, use it, and still be all right, that's the perfect place to be.

Like I said, there will be more on self-esteem and all its glorious complications. Next week, I'll be doing a post or two on bullying, and self-esteem's going to come up again.

Most of us have been taught about the importance of self-esteem from childhood, so do these results on self-esteem surprise you?

What to Expect From Your Marriage

"In relationships, if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got." ~ Amy Dickinson

A common complaint in letters to advice columns is that a spouse is chronically neglecting various needs of the complainer, or refuses to do something that the complainer fervently desires.  Sex may be the most common missing element described by people who write this type of letter – and women complain about the lack of it at least as often as do men – but it can be anything from refraining from cussing to refraining from describing embarrassing or quirky attributes of the complainer to outsiders.

To me, sexually frustrating one’s spouse seems to me to be the most strange of all such complaints, because it would be so easy and take so little effort to give the frustrated spouses what they say they want.  Do these spouses really care that little about keeping the other spouse happy?  That would seem really mean if not vicious.

After all, sex doesn’t take all that much effort, especially if you are not especially concerned about your own pleasure.  Why not make the other person happy occasionally even if you don’t enjoy it yourself?  A mere half hour every week or two might be just the ticket. 

You say it’s a chore?  So is going out and buying your spouse gifts on birthdays, Valentine's Day, and Christmas.  A lot of people seem willing to do those things.   How about meeting all of your other responsibilities at your job and at home?  Chores all, at least much of the time.  For most people, willing!

Even if the man is completely physically impotent and incurably so…and there's no G-rated way to say this... let’s just say his tongue probably works OK, doesn’t it?

Here is a typical example of a letter from a sex deprived wife, from the column Annie’s Mailbox from March 10, 2012.

"Dear Annie: "John" and I have been married for 15 years. He is a wonderful person and a great father...Our relationship is fine on the surface, but it's emotionally empty. There is little intimacy, which has been an issue throughout our marriage. It manifests itself periodically in arguments that never seem to get resolved… He wonders why I cannot "just be happy," because from his perspective, everything is fine. I have told him clearly that I need more attention and affection, but I have come to the realization that he is "just not that into me.

… Annie, I love my family. I am not asking for a magical romance. I don't think it's too much for a woman to need occasional loving physical gestures from her husband. I can't figure out why it's so hard for him to express his love if he cares for me as much as he says.


I don't want to leave, but things could be so much better if John would only put a little more effort into our marriage. Any suggestions on how to improve things? Or am I just destined to have an emotionless relationship?" 


The Annies answer: "There is a variety of reasons why a man may not show any interest in his wife: He could be gay, asexual, not attracted to you or having an affair. He could have low testosterone or other medical or emotional issues. The real problem is that he refuses to address it…"

Well those are all possibilities, but why would she have married someone like that in the first place if she craved affection so much?  It sounds from the letter like she just thinks hubby might just an A-hole, does it not?  I mean, she seems to think that he is someone who is depriving his dear wife of that which she craves, for no apparent reason.

But is that what is really happening?  Could be, but I have another, more likely explanation. The writer starts by saying that they have been married for fifteen years.  It doesn’t sound like this is a new problem, so what that probably means is that she has been putting up with this treatment for fifteen years.  And, after she mentions that, she praises the guy for being a “wonderful” person.  What, you may ask, is so wonderful about a guy who is more than willing to almost totally neglect your needs just because he can?

I find the husband’s response to be telling.   He asks her why she cannot "just be happy, because from his perspective, everything is fine.”  She also says that she has made it clear that the lack of intimacy bothers her a great deal.  So why would he think everything is just fine?  Why wouldn’t he already know the answer to the question of why she just “can’t be happy?”

Well, unless the guy has the IQ of a turnip, the only reasonable explanation for his apparent obtuseness and confusion is that he doesn’t believe her when she say she wants more intimacy.  Remember, she has been putting up with this for fifteen years.  In her letter she says he is wonderful and that she does not want to leave.   If we are hearing this in a letter she writes that may be up for public consumption, then the odds are extremely good that he has heard her say this stuff.  Many times.

The much less obvious explanation for this state of affairs – and so often the less obvious interpretation turns out to be the correct one for patients who I see in therapy - is that he takes her passive acquiescence of the state of affairs as a signal that she actually prefers it!  So, when she complains about it, he becomes confused and asks her why she is not happy, since he is doing exactly what he thinks she wants.  Maybe she really wants to avoid sex and affection, but also enjoys complaining!

He will never tell her about such thoughts because he knows that the thoughts will probably be greeted with great defensiveness, outright derision, or indignation from her that he is blaming her for his problem with intimacy.  That will get him exactly nothing but grief, so why bother?


More important, he is helping her to not face her issue with sex and affection, because he is volunteering to pretend to be the bad guy by denying her.

So could she really be covertly avoiding sex as much as he is?  And if so, why?  Well, the answer to the first question is a resounding, hell yes.  This does not mean that on some level she really does wish for more sex, but that for some reason she is more comfortable with the current state of affairs than with the “improved” version.  The answer as to why might be a one of many possible issues between her and her own family of origin, but she does not give us any clues in her letter about what those issues might be.

And what happened to his libido?  Again, we don’t know.  Maybe he has a whore/madonna conflict about his wife being a sexual being.  But it could also be many other things.

The point is, they are both avoiding sex, not just him. 

A different letter writer in the Dear Abby column of 3/15/12, says that she has been married for 32 years, and for all these years her husband has lied continually.  He fabricates the most outlandish stories, and the whole family knows it.  Furthermore, he is said to never own up to anything he has done wrong, but instead blames the letter writer for his actions. If she confronts or challenges him, he gets defensive and says she’s "always" belittling or challenging him in front of others. 

The probably translation, according to my scenario, is that she covertly thinks that he has a need for continuous humiliation - so she helps out by humiliating him -  and he thinks his wife needs to humiliate him - so he gives her plenty of opportunities.  After all, from the perspective of each, that is exactly what the other has always done.  For 32 years.


"In relationships, if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got." 

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What is hypnosis

Hypnotized lady

Hypnosis is a mental state characterized by sense of relaxation and extreme suggestibility. This phenomenon has been known for more than 200 years, but cognitive science has yet to fully explain how it actually happens. Even though the term hypnosis literally means sleep it's not really like sleep, because the subject is alert the whole time. It is most often compared to daydreaming, or getting absorbed in a book or movie. You are fully conscious, but you avoid most of the stimuli around you. You focus intently on the subject at hand, to the near exclusion of any other thought.

In a daydream an imaginary world seems somewhat real to you, in the sense that it fully engages your emotions. Imaginary events can cause real fear, sadness or happiness. American psychiatrist Milton Erickson pointed out that people hypnotize themselves on a daily basis. But most psychiatrists focus on the trance state brought on by intentional relaxation and focusing exercises. This deep hypnosis is often compared to the relaxed mental state between wakefulness and sleep. In conventional hypnosis, you approach the suggestions of the hypnotist, or your own ideas, as if they were reality. If the hypnotist suggests that your left arm is paralyzed you’ll not be able to move your left arm. If the hypnotist suggests that you are afraid, you may feel panicky or start to sweat. But the entire time, you are aware that it's all imaginary.

Hypnotized cat

In this special mental state, people feel uninhibited and relaxed. Presumably, this is because they tune out the worries and doubts that normally keep their actions in check. You might experience the same feeling while watching a movie: As you get engrossed in the plot, worries about your job, family, etc. fade away, until all you're thinking about is what's up on the screen.

In this state, you are also highly suggestible. That is, when the hypnotist tells you do something, you'll probably accept the idea completely. Fear of embarrassment seems to fly out the mind. But a hypnotist can't get you to do anything you don't want to do.

History

The father of modern hypnotism is Franz Mesmer, an Austrian physician. Mesmer believed hypnosis to be a mystical force flowing from the hypnotist into the subject. He called it "animal magnetism". Critics quickly dismissed the magical element of his theory. But Mesmer's assumption, that the power behind hypnosis came from the hypnotist and was in some way inflicted upon the subject, took hold for some time. Hypnosis was originally known as mesmerism, after Mesmer, and we still use its derivative, "mesmerize," today.

James Braid, a 19th-century Scottish surgeon, originated the terms "hypnotism" and "hypnosis" based on the word hypnos, which is Greek for "to sleep." Braid and other scientists of the era, such as Ambroise-Auguste Liebeault, Hippolyte Bernheim and Charcot, theorized that hypnosis is not a force inflicted by the hypnotist, but a combination of psychologically mediated responses to suggestions. In the modern nomenclature, hypnosis refers to the trance state itself, and hypnotism refers to the act of inducing this state and to the study of this state. A hypnotist is someone who induces the state of hypnosis, and a hypnotherapist is a person who induces hypnosis to treat physical or mental illnesses.

Role of the subconscious mind

Some researchers on hypnosis think that it is a way to access a person's subconscious mind. Normally, you are only aware of the thought processes in your conscious mind. You think over the problems right in front of you, consciously chooses words as you speak. But in doing this, your conscious mind is working hand-in-hand with your subconscious mind, the part of your mind that does your background thinking. Your subconscious mind accesses the vast reservoir of information that lets you solve problems, construct sentences or locate the forgotten keys. It puts together plans and ideas and runs them by your conscious mind. When a new idea comes to you out of the blue, it's because you already thought through the process subconsciously.

Your subconscious also takes care of all the stuff you do automatically. You don't actively work through the steps of breathing minute to minute -- your subconscious mind does that. You don't think through every little thing you do while driving a car -- a lot of the small stuff is thought out in your subconscious mind. Your subconscious also processes the physical information your body receives.

Researchers on hypnotism theorize that the deep relaxation and focusing exercises of hypnotism work to calm and subdue the conscious mind so that it takes a less active role in your thinking process. In this state, you're still aware of what's going on, but your conscious mind takes a backseat to your subconscious mind. Effectively, this allows you and the hypnotist to work directly with the subconscious.

This concept explains all the major characteristics of the hypnotic state. It provides an especially convincing explanation for the behaviour of hypnotized subjects. The conscious mind is the main inhibitive component in your makeup -- it's in charge of putting on the brakes -- while the subconscious mind is the seat of imagination and impulse. When your subconscious mind is in control, you feel much freer and may be more creative. Your conscious mind doesn't have to filter through everything.

Hypnotized people do such bizarre things so willingly because the conscious mind is not filtering and relaying the information they take in. It seems like the hypnotist's suggestions are coming directly from the subconscious, rather than from another person. You act automatically to these suggestions, just as you would to your own thoughts. Of course, your subconscious mind does have a conscience, a survival instinct and its own ideas, so there are a lot of things it won't agree to.

The subconscious is the storehouse for all your memories. While under hypnosis, subjects may be able to access past events that they have completely forgotten. Psychiatrists may use hypnotism to bring up these memories so that a related personal problem can finally be resolved. Since the subject's mind is in such a suggestible state, it is also possible to create false memories. This theory of hypnosis is based mostly on logical reasoning, but there is some physiological evidence that supports it.

Physiology of hypnosis

In numerous studies, researchers have compared the physiology of hypnotized subjects with those of fully conscious people. In most of these studies, the researchers found no significant physical change associated with the trance state of hypnosis. The subject's heart rate and respiration may slow down, but this is due to the relaxation involved in the hypnotism process, not the hypnotic state itself. There does seem to be changed activity in the brain, however. The most notable data comes from electroencephalographs (EEGs), measurements of the electrical activity of the brain. Extensive EEG research has demonstrated that brains produce different electrical waves, rhythms of electrical voltage, depending on their mental state. Deep sleep has a different rhythm than dreaming, for example, and full alertness has a different rhythm than relaxation.

In some studies, EEGs from subjects under hypnosis showed a increase in the lower frequency waves associated with dreaming and sleep, and a drop in the higher frequency waves associated with full wakefulness. Brain-wave information is not a definitive indicator of how the mind is operating, but this pattern does fit the hypothesis that the conscious mind backs off during hypnosis and the subconscious mind takes a more active role.

How to hypnotize a person?

Hypnotists' methods vary, but they all depend on a few basic prerequisites:

• The subject must want to be hypnotized.
• The subject must believe he or she can be hypnotized.
• The subject must eventually feel comfortable and relaxed.

If these criteria are met, the hypnotist can guide the subject into a hypnotic trance using a variety of methods. The most common hypnotic techniques are:

1. Fixed-gaze induction or eye fixation - The hypnotist waves a pocket watch in front of the subject. The basic idea is to get the subject to focus on an object so intently that he or she avoids any other stimuli. As the subject focuses, the hypnotist talks to him or her in a low tone, lulling the subject into relaxation. This method was very popular in the early days of hypnotism, but it isn't used much today because it doesn't work on a large proportion of the population. 
2. Rapid induction - The idea of this method is to overload the mind with sudden, firm commands.
3. If the commands are forceful, and the hypnotist is convincing enough, the subject will surrender his or her conscious control over the situation. This method works well for a stage hypnotist because the novel circumstance of being up in front of an audience puts subjects on edge, making them more susceptible to the hypnotist's commands.
4. Progressive relaxation and imagery - This is the hypnosis method most commonly employed by psychiatrists. By speaking to the subject in a slow, soothing voice, the hypnotist gradually brings on complete relaxation and focus, easing the subject into full hypnosis.
5. Rocking method - This method creates a loss of equilibrium using slow, rhythmic rocking. Parents have been putting babies to sleep with this method for thousands of years.       

Before hypnotists bring a subject into a full trance, they generally test his or her willingness and capacity to be hypnotized. The typical testing method is to make several simple suggestions, such as "Relax your arms completely," and work up to suggestions that ask the subject to suspend disbelief or distort normal thoughts, such as "Pretend you are weightless."

Depending on the person's mental state and personality, the entire hypnotism process can take anywhere from a few minutes to more than a half hour. Hypnotists and hypnotism proponents see the peculiar mental state as a powerful tool with a wide range of applications. 

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Nairobi Parenting Clinic: Depression in Teens- What Parents need to know and...: There’s nothing as devastating to a parent as seeing their child unwell. When it comes to mental illness, any form of mental illness,...