Well Ive been feeling much better.
Anyway I've been having some really long and brilliant thinking time, its strange that now Ive got more time on my hands Ive got passed the point of being down about it and got to some really critical, analytic and positive thinking.
Anyway Its took me about 2 years but I finally sort of realise what it is that bothers me, its 'catastrophizing' When something happen my head FEELS like its the end of the world although that thought doesnt cross my mind and I dont think "The world is ending"
I feel the blackness of doom and despair and like everything is bad but I dont actually have those thoughts, I think because thier subconscious, ingrained and so automatic I probably don't notice.
Yes I realise Im being a bit manic but Im sort of giving you the dialogue of whats been floating in my brain and piecing it all together.
I feel bad because I think Ive failed (already knew that about uni) but obviously this is now being applied to all sorts of aspects of my life so the feeling associated with it, is now being projected onto other situations and clearly makes me feel downright shit.
In retaliation to this, Ive been remembering the times when Id walk round the city when I lived there, on my own, shopping without a care and actually enjoying my own company and the freedom and independence. Ive been visualizing it in my head, the shopping trips, the walks to restaurants, then the meals at the restaurants, the nights out and this is really having a positive effect on me because BEFORE id been constantly reinforcing my fears by going over and over my panic attacks and how they felt and then in turn feeling scared.
Now im reinforcing the good. Its not "Im going to be ok in this situation because the outcome may not be what I think it will" Its hard actual proof that I once did those things and was OK.Its memories I can look back on and remember and feel.
I'm re-programming myself to feel how I NATURALLY felt before this happened because I think my anxiety is learnt.
I want the good feelings to be more powerful than the fears so that when i go into that situation, it isnt the bad panicky feelings that arise "last time I had a panic attack" "last time I felt really scared and upset", its the encouraging, confident and REAL memories I want to prevail.
Ive tried to find this somewhere on Google, but I got bored of looking at higgldy piggldy websites that say coping mechanisms are the way forward. No thanks, Id rather re-programme my own mind than live in fear forever. I was ok before the attack, and then after the attack I restricted my life as I was frightened of having another attack. I was applying what Id LEARNT to other siatuations (adapting) because my mind mistakenly believed it was protecting itself.
I guess the way round it is CBT related (Im going to have to concentrate on making the memories powerful and then go into the situations - remember the whole Harry Potter and Death Eaters "expecto protronum" situation, its like that) but Ive never heard the cause of panic explained to me in such a way I understood why it had happend, and Im big on whys and how comes.
Do you remember a time when you didnt panic?
Think about it and FEEL it.
You could have, like me, spent a whollle load of time reinforcing the anxiety attacks, the feeling of sheer terror, the dread and the shit times and your mind is going to fight like hell to bring them back in your head when you do something 'scary', because it thinks its looking after you - "Heyy look at this memory, look how you felt last time. Run home girl, its not safe here!" Think the survival instinct on acid. Its up to you and me, to fight it. Yes Ive been giving it a half hearted attempt previously, but now Ive got my own head around the 'why is this happening' I feel like im well equipped with dealing with it.
What else?
Having no job was making me feel pretty shit, yea it happens to everybody but still repetitively going over the "ill have no money" "I have no purpose" thoughts really does make you feel crappy even if you have someone 'whos been there done that, worn the t shirt and has now got a new job' telling you otherwise.
So, after awhile I thought, no Im actually the director of a company. Yes is might be online, and not running YET as in nobody can pay using their card for a few weeks, Still its a big achievement for someone who's in their early twenties.I looked from a different perspective, not because anybody asked me to but because Ive obviously still got an optimist in me yet. (Go on Girl)
I also went onto my old Facebook Account, and purely by chance looked at my old inbox messages to my partner from when I lived in the city centre in a cute little apartment that looked like I was in cell block H. (Id have some great dinners with some of the Chinese girls that lived in the apartment too, introduced them to Sambucca and Indian food and honestly was so fricking social, always out for meals - yes I was a thrifty student always in my overdraft but i was happy and always out and about, shopping like I said) The messages I read showed a complete juxtaposition from myself then to now, I was so happy in my language, talking of the night out Id had previously with a flatmate, how Id meet him at the train station when he came back (Id walk the 2 miles and enjoy it) and I had an exam the next day
It didnt make me think, shit look what I'm like now, it made me think I AM STILL that girl, Ive just got to relearn going out in a busy environment and being independent.
I remember my first ever night there, Id never lived away from home and I was frozen like a statue in bed, quite sad and unsure what I should be doing with myself. When the flat mates moved in the next day, I still wouldnt catch a bus into town prefering to walk, but over time that changed and Id happily hop on one to the centre of town by myself, do whatever I needed to do and go home. I was the envy of my friends living in such a social, trendy place able to go to famous and up and coming places.
This is only 2 years ago.
I was scared, but I got over it because I was in the situation so long I had to. If I didnt go shopping, I wouldnt eat (well yes If i had things in the fridge but they'd run out, but it called for more independance)
Im going to hold onto this, re -reading this post and the messages and visualizing the times I had there, even writing them down and meditating about them at night if I have to. I learnt to be anxious because of one horrible day (if you dont know that story read it HERE) and Ive reinforced being scared in most aspects of my life as opposed to before the attack when I lived in one of the busiest cities in the UK.
The other thing is - If I try things, what is the worst that's going to happen? Ill feel like I did 2 years ago, and 2 years later I'm still here, I'm still alive and I'm still OK.
You could have them days where you are thinking "whats the point" "when is this shit going to end" - I do, we all do. The point is you, you are fucking worth it, you are worth a lovely life thats as sociable and fear free as you are happy with and YOU are going to get there. (I'm glad I wrote it this way, because like I said, Ill read this back to motivate me as well)
Tomorrow I'm going into town to get my provisional so I can pass my driving test like I said I would. That's one of the steps.
After reading this back and editing it, Im feeling nostalgic and actually reallyyy wanting to go back to the city and I might go tomorrow - Ill let you know.
1st Jan I will be posting my Vision Board for the year. Lets see what I can do when I try, because Im bored of knowing what I can do when I dont.
Love x
Anyway I've been having some really long and brilliant thinking time, its strange that now Ive got more time on my hands Ive got passed the point of being down about it and got to some really critical, analytic and positive thinking.
Anyway Its took me about 2 years but I finally sort of realise what it is that bothers me, its 'catastrophizing' When something happen my head FEELS like its the end of the world although that thought doesnt cross my mind and I dont think "The world is ending"
I feel the blackness of doom and despair and like everything is bad but I dont actually have those thoughts, I think because thier subconscious, ingrained and so automatic I probably don't notice.
Yes I realise Im being a bit manic but Im sort of giving you the dialogue of whats been floating in my brain and piecing it all together.
I feel bad because I think Ive failed (already knew that about uni) but obviously this is now being applied to all sorts of aspects of my life so the feeling associated with it, is now being projected onto other situations and clearly makes me feel downright shit.
In retaliation to this, Ive been remembering the times when Id walk round the city when I lived there, on my own, shopping without a care and actually enjoying my own company and the freedom and independence. Ive been visualizing it in my head, the shopping trips, the walks to restaurants, then the meals at the restaurants, the nights out and this is really having a positive effect on me because BEFORE id been constantly reinforcing my fears by going over and over my panic attacks and how they felt and then in turn feeling scared.
Now im reinforcing the good. Its not "Im going to be ok in this situation because the outcome may not be what I think it will" Its hard actual proof that I once did those things and was OK.Its memories I can look back on and remember and feel.
I'm re-programming myself to feel how I NATURALLY felt before this happened because I think my anxiety is learnt.
I want the good feelings to be more powerful than the fears so that when i go into that situation, it isnt the bad panicky feelings that arise "last time I had a panic attack" "last time I felt really scared and upset", its the encouraging, confident and REAL memories I want to prevail.
Ive tried to find this somewhere on Google, but I got bored of looking at higgldy piggldy websites that say coping mechanisms are the way forward. No thanks, Id rather re-programme my own mind than live in fear forever. I was ok before the attack, and then after the attack I restricted my life as I was frightened of having another attack. I was applying what Id LEARNT to other siatuations (adapting) because my mind mistakenly believed it was protecting itself.
I guess the way round it is CBT related (Im going to have to concentrate on making the memories powerful and then go into the situations - remember the whole Harry Potter and Death Eaters "expecto protronum" situation, its like that) but Ive never heard the cause of panic explained to me in such a way I understood why it had happend, and Im big on whys and how comes.
Do you remember a time when you didnt panic?
Think about it and FEEL it.
You could have, like me, spent a whollle load of time reinforcing the anxiety attacks, the feeling of sheer terror, the dread and the shit times and your mind is going to fight like hell to bring them back in your head when you do something 'scary', because it thinks its looking after you - "Heyy look at this memory, look how you felt last time. Run home girl, its not safe here!" Think the survival instinct on acid. Its up to you and me, to fight it. Yes Ive been giving it a half hearted attempt previously, but now Ive got my own head around the 'why is this happening' I feel like im well equipped with dealing with it.
What else?
Having no job was making me feel pretty shit, yea it happens to everybody but still repetitively going over the "ill have no money" "I have no purpose" thoughts really does make you feel crappy even if you have someone 'whos been there done that, worn the t shirt and has now got a new job' telling you otherwise.
So, after awhile I thought, no Im actually the director of a company. Yes is might be online, and not running YET as in nobody can pay using their card for a few weeks, Still its a big achievement for someone who's in their early twenties.I looked from a different perspective, not because anybody asked me to but because Ive obviously still got an optimist in me yet. (Go on Girl)
I also went onto my old Facebook Account, and purely by chance looked at my old inbox messages to my partner from when I lived in the city centre in a cute little apartment that looked like I was in cell block H. (Id have some great dinners with some of the Chinese girls that lived in the apartment too, introduced them to Sambucca and Indian food and honestly was so fricking social, always out for meals - yes I was a thrifty student always in my overdraft but i was happy and always out and about, shopping like I said) The messages I read showed a complete juxtaposition from myself then to now, I was so happy in my language, talking of the night out Id had previously with a flatmate, how Id meet him at the train station when he came back (Id walk the 2 miles and enjoy it) and I had an exam the next day
It didnt make me think, shit look what I'm like now, it made me think I AM STILL that girl, Ive just got to relearn going out in a busy environment and being independent.
I remember my first ever night there, Id never lived away from home and I was frozen like a statue in bed, quite sad and unsure what I should be doing with myself. When the flat mates moved in the next day, I still wouldnt catch a bus into town prefering to walk, but over time that changed and Id happily hop on one to the centre of town by myself, do whatever I needed to do and go home. I was the envy of my friends living in such a social, trendy place able to go to famous and up and coming places.
This is only 2 years ago.
I was scared, but I got over it because I was in the situation so long I had to. If I didnt go shopping, I wouldnt eat (well yes If i had things in the fridge but they'd run out, but it called for more independance)
Im going to hold onto this, re -reading this post and the messages and visualizing the times I had there, even writing them down and meditating about them at night if I have to. I learnt to be anxious because of one horrible day (if you dont know that story read it HERE) and Ive reinforced being scared in most aspects of my life as opposed to before the attack when I lived in one of the busiest cities in the UK.
The other thing is - If I try things, what is the worst that's going to happen? Ill feel like I did 2 years ago, and 2 years later I'm still here, I'm still alive and I'm still OK.
You could have them days where you are thinking "whats the point" "when is this shit going to end" - I do, we all do. The point is you, you are fucking worth it, you are worth a lovely life thats as sociable and fear free as you are happy with and YOU are going to get there. (I'm glad I wrote it this way, because like I said, Ill read this back to motivate me as well)
Tomorrow I'm going into town to get my provisional so I can pass my driving test like I said I would. That's one of the steps.
After reading this back and editing it, Im feeling nostalgic and actually reallyyy wanting to go back to the city and I might go tomorrow - Ill let you know.
1st Jan I will be posting my Vision Board for the year. Lets see what I can do when I try, because Im bored of knowing what I can do when I dont.
Love x
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