The Storms of Life

I wrote the rough draft for this post a couple of weeks ago but got sidetracked into writing the wilderness post. Although the posts are similar in theme, I finally found the time to finish this one.

We have probably all heard at least one stirring message entitled, “Come to Jesus and He will calm your raging storms,” based on Mark 4:35-41, as below:

Mark 4:35-41 That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"
They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!"

This is such an encouraging and powerful passage of Scripture, yet on each occasion I have heard a sermon based on it, a significant aspect of the passage has been glossed over or omitted. Let us look at verse 35. That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." Jesus, fully aware the storm was imminent, could have spared the disciples a great deal of distress and anguish had He said, “Look, there’s a really big storm coming, so let’s remain on land until it passes.”

But Jesus did not do that. Rather, he deliberately led the disciples through that storm. It is also important to note that the storm itself was not their destination – it was the other side of the lake. Bearing in mind that God uses all things for good for those who love Him; Jesus obviously had His divine purposes in mind when He took the disciples through that storm rather than avoiding it.

We can learn so much from this passage in Mark. It shows that our hope of being able to avoid the storms of life is an unrealistic expectation. I remember writing an essay in year twelve where I shared that I believed God would never allow me to go through any significant trials. Unrealistic expectations like this set us up for a fall. When those storms come, we are surprised, bewildered, and shocked.

Depression, the greatest trial I have endured, took me completely by surprise.

12th April ’90 –
What is this storm that rages within me?
Why won’t it abate, why won’t it subside?
It comes in like a storm, and devours me.
And it won’t go away. It’s near four months now.
Four months of doing nothing, just hiding, hiding, and waiting.
I have no future, how can there be one when I’m like this?
I can’t face anyone except those I must.
I wait and wait, I pray and pray.
But there’s nothing I can do, or else I’d have done it.
Every day means another day wasted,
I had such high hopes for this year,
But one third’s almost gone, and I’ve been in hell.
Oh Jesus, if I’d only known this was coming,
Then maybe I could have spent hours on my knees,
Begging You to avert it from me.

We can see by my conclusion in the above diary entry that I still had the false notion that we could avoid the storms of life. Although I had read Bible passages that tell us we will suffer, I subconsciously hoped that they would not happen to me. Hence when depression came, the shock brought me crashing to the ground. "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." (I Peter 4:12-13)

Let us also consider the words of Jesus when He faced with the greatest trial a man has ever faced - His atoning death on the cross. Matthew 26:42 He went away a second time and prayed, "My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done."

Another lesson to be gained from this passage in Mark is the disciples’ reaction to the storm. They feared there was no escape and that they would perish in it. That was my reaction to depression as well, I was terrified that it would never end and that there was no way out. I had completely forgotten that painful trials are part of our Christian walk towards growth and maturity, just as the disciples had forgotten Jesus words, "Let us go over to the other side." They already knew Jesus said they were crossing the lake, so why did they fear they would perish on the way?

Eventually, the disciples remembered the Lord and ran to Him for help. Yet instead of asking Him to lead them safely through the storm because they had faith in Him, they panicked, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"

Before going onto anti-depressant meds, depression afflicted me with chronic insomnia. Although some nights I managed to lie there all night without grumbling or complaining, after several nights of this torture I would snap. I remember shaking my fist at the ceiling and saying, “Jesus, why do you just sit there! Can’t you see that I need sleep? Why don’t you act? Don’t you care?”

The answer Jesus gave to the disciples in response to their fear has ministered so much to me. "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" I can imagine Jesus thinking the following as He gently admonished them. “Hey, why are you so afraid? Haven’t you figured it out yet? Don’t you know who I am? It’s Me, the One who brought your forefathers out of Egypt, the One who provided them with mana and quail, the One who lead them through the wilderness and into the promised land. Now if I did all that for them, why are you so afraid?”

And now comes the good bit, now we see why Jesus took the disciples through this storm, we see how He used this trial for good in their lives. Consider the disciples’ reaction when they glimpsed Christ’s divine power and glory as He stilled the raging storm. They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!" At long last, they began to understand that this Jesus was no ordinary prophet but God Almighty incarnated into human flesh, a God who was not impersonal and distant, but right there with them - Immanuel, God with us.

The disciples marvelled at the love and care Christ demonstrated for them, not only for stopping a raging storm just for them, but also for guiding them successfully to the other side. Did you know that a Psalm written centuries earlier shows us the disciples’ reaction to this very storm?

Psalm 107:23-31
Others went out on the sea in ships;
they were merchants on the mighty waters.
They saw the works of the LORD,
his wonderful deeds in the deep.
For he spoke and stirred up a tempest
that lifted high the waves.
They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths;
in their peril their courage melted away.
They reeled and staggered like drunken men;
they were at their wits' end.
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
and he brought them out of their distress.
He stilled the storm to a whisper;
the waves of the sea were hushed.
They were glad when it grew calm,
and he guided them to their desired haven.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for men.

My experiences with depression were the same. To this day I praise and thank Christ for leading me through that storm and to the other side. I marvel at the power and loving care He demonstrated as He gently lead me back to full health. The result was that I drew much, much closer to Him, and learnt to rely upon Him to the extent that subsequent trials did not become wilderness experiences.

Philippians 3:8-11. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Download a pdf booklet of this blog's articles

All verses from the NIV.

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Blah! Gah! Wards!

I have recently been gifted with two lovely awards from two lovely blog friends that I have been late to pass on to other worthy souls.

Here is the first, "The Lindsay."

Your blog went to rehab multiple times and it did it no good.

And the second, the coveted "One Decadent Blogger."

This was not an accident. Why'dja buy a cream-colored carpet anyway when you have pals like me, numbnuts?

I decided, rather than spread these horrors about the InterWebs, I would instead shelve them and re-gift two others that are prettier and more fragrant than a Care Bear's dongle dipped in drawn butter.

From the lovely and talented Anita at A Still and Quiet Madness, an award (below) that helped me realize that my blog was not the spotty, barnacle-encrusted wasteland I had always assumed it to be. Thank you, dear Anita! I shall pass this award on to the deserving Jennifer of Serendipity's Library, for her blog is durned purty and also features a CREEPY DOLL named Charlotte. I adore creepy dolls. I will also send this award the way of J. Lea Lopez of Jello World, whose humorous literary dissections of songs are lovely indeed. I don't know where she will fit this flower-bedecked award on her blog bookshelf, but never mind that!

And from the equally lovely and talented Angela at The Starving Novelist, an award (below) that made me clutch my breast (both, at once) and faint dead away with the honor of it. It is with humility and beatitude that I accept the award below. I shall pass this award on to Lisa at Kicked, Cornered, Bitten and Chased, for there is nothing more lovely than the snout of a monkey or the rubbery lips of a llama. I shall also pass it to one of my special favoritos, Michelle of Greenwoman, for her nature photographs are stunning and make one want to eat mushrooms and wander in the woods speaking to the little people.

Enjoy, you deserving creatures! Pass these awards on as you wish; rules are for the birds. Have a Happy New Year!

Disclaimers The Good Instead of the Bad and the Ugly

In an earlier post Words that Work, I discussed the idea from political consultant and polster Frank Luntz that “It’s not what you say, it’s what people hear.” This blog has also discussed in detail how talking to one’s family about dysfunctional patterns requires just the right type of wording and tone of voice. 

Disclaimers can be used to alter listeners’ perceptions about what another person is saying.  They can be very helpful in making something that otherwise might be perceived as an attack or accusation much more palatable.  

It is also true that disclaimers can be used in for more nefarious purposes, such as in deceptive propaganda. I wrote about this latter purpose in two previous posts on plausible deniability - 8/31/11 and 6/19/12.

The odious purpose is summed up very well in the cartoon below:

 

In this post I will focus on the use of disclaimers for doing good– their advantageous employment in discussions that aim to achieve solutions to ongoing problems within a family. As a psychotherapist, I find them to be very useful with my patients, and I also coach my patients on how to use then when they attempt metacommunication with family members.

 

Disclaimers are pre-statements that acknowledge the potentially unpleasant nature of an issue at hand, proclaim the lack of any ill intent on the part of the the person making the statement that follows the disclaimer, and give others the benefit of the doubt concerning their motivation for engaging in problematic behavior. Disclaimers can also be used to avoid power struggles that tend to occur when someone might be perceived as sounding like a know-it-all or like someone trying to “put one over” on the other person. 

Disclaimers can make it possible to bring up for discussion just about anything. Of course, tone of voice is extremely important.  If someone is trying to bring up problematic family behavior with other members of the family, a scolding or sarcastic tone will automatically nullify any advantage conferred through the use of disclaimers.  Usually, tone should be matter of fact as well as friendly sounding for maximum effect.

In the type of psychotherapy I do, unified therapy, I frequently need to bring up and explore a patient’s problematic or counterproductive behavior, or describe potentially unflattering hypotheses about the patient’s family relationship patterns. Patients have a natural tendency to become defensive in these situations, and a therapist runs the risk of provoking a negative reaction of some sort. The use of a disclaimer often makes the initiation of such discussions more palatable to the patient. 

When making interpretations regarding a patient or his or her family, the therapist’s use of disclaimers leads the patient to become less likely to get defensive and more likely to consider the merits of the therapist’s proposition. Later on in unified therapy, therapists teach patients to make use of disclaimers during metacommunication with their family about relationship patterns and issues. 

Disclaimers can be used in innumerable ways. A few examples will be given here of the types of situations in which disclaimers are useful. The examples are also meant to give the reader a general idea about how disclaimers should be phrased. 

First, when bringing up someone else’s seemingly provocative behavior, the metacommunicator might say something such as, “I know you’re not trying to anger me when you do that, but when you do [such and such], it would be easy for someone who did not know you so well to get the wrong idea.”  

Second, in situations where the Other has a hard time discussing a certain topic, one might say, “I know this is hard to talk about, but it sounds like it is really important.”

Third, family members often hold the belief that certain behavior from another family member is purposely meant to “ask for” or elicit a nasty response.  They may be reluctant to say so, however, for fear they will be branded as self-serving or even crazy.  The metacommunicator can often get the Other to acknowledge such thoughts by putting the burden of “craziness” on himself or herself:  “This is probably going to sound crazy, but I wonder if sometimes you get the idea that mom wants you to steal money from her. After all, she keeps leaving it in plain sight.”

Fourth, disclaimers are useful for bringing up for discussion the obvious ways that the Other’s behavior causes problems without sounding like a critical parent or insulting the Other’s intelligence. The metacommunicator might say, “At risk of sounding just like Mom, and as I’m sure you already know, attacking Dad does not seem to solve anything.”

Fifth, many times a metacommunicator has an hypothesis about what might be going on in the family, but is not sure. However, the Other may take umbrage at the implications of such a hypothesis. This happens for many reasons, including that the possibility that the hypothesis in question is flat out wrong. Giving the other an “out” so that he or she can easily reject the proposal without getting into an argument can solve this problem. One can say, “I don’t know if this is accurate or not, but I wonder if [such and such] might be happening. What do you think?

Sixth, whenever a metacommunicator brings up the behavior of family members who seem to be contributing to the speaker’s problems, others will often defend their family. They do so despite the fact that they themselves are at wit’s end with the relative that is being discussed. Defending one’s family from a perceived attack even if one is angry at them oneself is quite a natural reaction, but may preclude much useful discussion about the possible reasons for the family member’s misbehavior.  A useful disclaimer that may prevent this from happening is, “I’m not trying to turn Dad into a villain, but…”

Last, metacommunicators should also make use of disclaimers when explaining their thoughts and reactions to significant others. This is part and parcel of the important strategy of giving family members the benefit of the doubt as to their motivationwhen asking them to be aware of and change behaviorthat the metacommunicator finds problematic.

For example, they might say, "I know you wanted me to be successful, but it often appeared to me that you did not" or "I know you really do care about me but..."  If the other then says that the metacommunicator is stupid for thinking or feeling the way they do, the metacommunicator can humbly say, “Maybe so, but that’s how it looks to me, and I’m sure you don’t want me to get the wrong idea about you, so I thought it would be important to let you know how this looks to me.”

Of course, disclaimers do not always have the desired effect, but they do often enough that employing them is an excellent strategy.

Big Red Nose Show aka TWAZOO NIGHT

A blog the day after tomorrow is better than tomorrow.

I wasn't going to go to the Big Red Nose Show at first. Mainly because it was on a Monday, my mum wouldn't pay for it on her card and no one would come with me. Can you imagine the conversation?
Me: Hey, do you want to come to the Royal Albert Hall next Monday with me to play a kazoo with loads of twitter people who you don't know?
Victim: .......
But because my best friend is my best friend she said yes and booked us tickets. She loves me.

But she wasn't as excited as me in the slightest. I was excited because twitter was there and I knew it was going to be another OMGLOOKITS*enter twitter name here*INREALLIFEIKNOWTHEM! moment. (and because it was a Guinness World Record attempt for charity, obv. But still, TWITTER) So I made us leave really early so we'd get there really early and be right at the front. We had standing arena tickets and I was not going to have anything less than front row middle otherwise I would STROP. People would get hurt. We did end up outside the Royal Albert Hall stupidly early, so early that no one else was there apart from a posh old lady who looked like this..

We were second in the queue and quite happily talking in newly formed posh accents to posh lady. But in denim shorts, tights and a "LOUISE YOU'RE SHOWING HALF YOUR BOOBS OFF. PUT A SCARF ON." top I don't think we hid our Essexness that well. At 6:15ish we were let into the bar, and after sitting eating Alpen bars for a bit we realised people had actually started queuing AT THE ARENA DOOR. I wasn't having that. So after my headband broke (which Clare found HILARIOUS but it was actually a CATASTROPHE) we casually did this...

It worked. Viking couple didn't say anything and as soon as the doors opened I stared at the spot I wanted and sprinted there as soon as my ticket was checked. BAM. Front row middle. And no one was hurt in the process, apart from my headband. We had our kazoos by this point and gradually the RAH was filled with wasps, or so it sounded. Or vuvuzelas at the World Cup but with your TV volume turned down a bit. This is when we started to really get excited. The stage was literally THERE right in front of us and chairs were everywhere on the stage. "THE TWITTER CELEBS ARE GONNA BE RIGHT THERE. MIRANDA. RIGHT THERE." Then the BBC Concert Orchestra came in and filled the seats. "Ummm." Then we noticed the rows of empty seats..

I won't lie. My heart sank a little bit. So many were going to be there! In front of me! Caitlin Moran (only my idol, no biggie), Emma Kennedy, Boyd Hilton, Grace Dent, Emma Freud, Charlie Condou, Tracy Ann-Oberman, Krishnan Guru-Murthy, Dawn Porter, Sue Perkins, MIRANDA HART! Now there were literally 'up there' away from my stalkerness.

We tried to take a good photo of us but they all ended up red or shaky, so we gave up and mucked about..

The concert began with Basil Brush (yes really) and Katie Derham introducing and the orchestra doing their thing, which is really something up close. Sue Perkins even came on and conducted. MARVO.

But twitter wasn't here yet and I started to get figety. I really did miss the point of the night didn't I? But soon enough the announcement came that the celebs were joining us for the kazoo attempt. They filled the rows and I spotted everyone I loved, so naturally whipped out my phone and tweeted them all saying "I SEE YOU" which is not stalkerish at all and "I'M DOWN THE FRONT IN A BLACK CARDIGAN AND GREY SCARF!" I have no shame. Boyd replied "Woohoo!" and Krishnan replied "I see you" which was good enough for me. Even if I couldn't meet everyone my presence was known. Hell yeah.

Kazoo attempt 1 was hilarious, Sue Perkins was down with us conducting, then we went to a break and celebs disappeared. But Basil said we were going to do another attempt, meaning they were coming back. Hope was not lost. Sure enough they filed back in after the break and Marcus Brigstocke came on for a comedy bit.

This is where it all gets AMAZE.

He said that he was bringing down 3 friends to help him, and those 3 friends were Miranda Hart, Emma Kennedy and Mel Giedroyc. Now imagine my reaction. I think I stopped breathing and everything went a bit slow mo. (No I am NOT exaggerating and yes it WAS that big a deal to me) Miranda was bloody coming down the stairs onto the stage. Right in front of us. RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. The temptation to shout SUCH FUN! was overwhelming. You know when you want to look at someone but don't in case they see you're staring? That happened with Emma. I've followed her since I started twitter 2 years ago today and we've spoken a bit. She even follows ME which technically means we're friends right? I thought so. But now she was there AND THIS REALLY WHERE IS AMAZE GETS. (that is seriously what I just typed in my excitement. unscramble it for yourself)

I have no idea if she saw my tweet about where I was standing and wearing...but she saw me...and she recognised me...and she stopped and pointed and went "LOUISE JONES!" before being ushered by Marcus to the microphone. OH BUT IT DOESN'T STOP THERE. She still came over despite Marcus pulling her away begging for her to carry on with his bit (okay so I exaggerated that bit but I like to think that happened) and reached for my hand. Because of the shitting gap between the stage and barrier we only just managed to touch fingers. But I don't care. The fact she stopped what she was doing on stage to come and say hello was enough for me. Maybe I said hello back? I remember my cheeks hurting from smiling so much and frantically waving but whether I said anything is debatable. Anyway, that made my night and I could have died happy there and then. Maybe next time we'll have a proper conversation and won't have to pull our arms out of our sockets for contact.

The 3 did that thing where you tell a story but say one word at a time, and this particular story was about teaching a dog to play clarinet. It was hilarious. Then after more frantic waving they went back up before the second kazoo attempt and the stunning Nicola Icantrememberherlastname played a violin solo and Sue Perkins conducted the orchestra again BRILLIANTLY..

As it got near to 10:30pm I started to get panicky because it was a fair walk back to the station to catch 2 tubes and train home, and with my record I don't risk anything, but thankfully the Guiness World Record man came on to announce we had indeed broken the world record. HOORAY.

and Julian Lloyd Webber did a bit on his big instrument (cello? *shrug* whatever it was he wacked my brother with it at Gatwick airport last year. tsk.) And then we went home. Tired. Giddy. Incredibly smiley.

But in all seriousness, the night was brilliant. Celebrity twitter mania aside, it was amazing to see how many people turned up to support Comic Relief. My ticket was £5 which pays for mosquito nets for 12 children, so in my eyes I've saved 12 children's lives. Comic Relief is doing incredible things this year to raise money and most of it is all down to twitter. Twitrelief has been set up where you bid for a celebrity to follow you and for their extra prize, and I know there's been some controversial comments about it but in the end it's raising SO much money! What does it matter?! I'm just glad I've been a part of it and contributed some of my money and time to save lives, and I'm SO up for it again next year. Twazoo part 2. X

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The Inkblot is Maybe the Window to the Soul AND CONTEST RESULTS!

Wow. That's all I can say. When I decided to do a contest, I was crossing my fingers for 30 entries. You guys are AWESOME. Welcome to all the new folks who hit the follow button either here or on Twitter, and thank you to all of you who have been with me a bit longer. This was really, really fun.

I tabulated all of your entries (76 of you entered, but with all of your Tweeting and linking and clicking, it made for 205 total entries) and went to http://www.random.org/, and within a few seconds, I had winners! So here they are:

1. Winner of the $30 Amazon Gift Card: HELENE DUNBAR
2. Winner of the Three-Chapter Critique: LEXCADE
3. Winner of the Psychologisty Reading Pack*: ROSIE C

*Carolyn Kaufman's The Writer's Guide to Psychology and Scott Lilienfeld (and colleagues') 50 Great Myths of Popular Psychology (I HIGHLY recommend both these books, and if you want another chance to win Dr. Kaufman's book, here it is--contest ends 5/7/11)

Congratulations to the winners!

Now: the inkblot. Here's the history: The Rorschach was developed by Swiss psychiatrist Hermann Rorschach in the early 1920s. He noticed that some children in the psychiatric hospital in which he worked had substantially different responses to a game called "Blotto". He published the Rorschach test in 1921 and advised some caution in its interpretation, stressing that his findings were preliminary. Unfortunately, he died just one year later.

Other psychiatrists and psychologists took up the mantle, some even calling it a "psychological X-ray", enabling professionals to see into the deep recesses of a patient's unconscious. It makes psychologists and psychiatrists sound pretty darn powerful, doesn't it? WE CAN SEE INTO YOUR SOULS, PEOPLE! But then, researchers got hold of it and the criticism began--the scoring was so subjective that no one could be sure it actually revealed anything.

In the 1970s, psychologist John Exner attempted to rescue the Rorschach, developing a standardized system of scoring to increase the reliability (and credibility) of the test. Exner's "Comprehensive System" is pretty complicated. It doesn't just score for content (which is what most of you were concerned with as you made your comments in the contest) -- it goes a lot further than that.

The Rorschach includes 10 inkblots, some black and white, some black and red, and some full color. You're not supposed to publicly display the actual test inkblots because if people who take the test have seen the test materials ahead of time, it could influence their responses. For each card, the examiner hands it to the person and asks "what might this be?" Then the examiner writes down everything the person says and does. The person actually goes through the cards a few times, and the final time, the examiner asks some questions to make sure she understands how the person is seeing the blot.

Here's my inkblot again--do you still see the same thing?

What's scored:

1. Location--the examiner codes which part of the inkblot the person uses to form his response. For example, two of you focused on white space around the blot, but many of you gave responses based on the whole thing.
2. Determinant--what quality of the blot was used to form the response. An example would be that 17 of you gave responses that could be coded for movement because you said you saw "dancing" humans or animals of some type. Many of you gave responses solely based on the form of the inkblot only, and some of you gave responses based on both the form and the color.
3. Content--this is the actual content of the response, which can be coded into 27 categories. For example, many of your responses would be coded for human or human mythological content, either whole or detail (that includes all the goblins and demons), and there were even more animal or animal mythological responses (like the dragons). Some of you gave responses including anatomy (skulls, pelvises), art (the Grecian urn), explosions (of a piece of food, oddly enough, Dr. Kang). Only one of you gave a sexualized response (I'm looking at you, Mr. MacNish ... but I suspect some of you were holding back).
4. Popularity--there are some responses that are commonly given for certain cards, so in this category, the examiner codes whether the person's response was one of those. Of course, your responses were the FIRST EVER to this magnificent inkblot, so you can review the comments and see if your response was similar to many others (there were lots of angry goblin/demon faces and lots of dancing animals)
5. Organizational activity--the examiner actually codes how the person synthesized the various parts of the inkblot to form a coherent response (or not). This sucker is complicated to code and I'm just not going to get into it in this post. I'll touch on it Wednesday.
6. Form Quality--the extent to which the response "fits" the inkblot. I'd say nearly all of you gave a response that fit the blot at either the superior or ordinary level.

All right, I'd say this is just about long enough. On Wednesday, I'll talk more about the interpretation of the test results, as well as some of the controversy surrounding this particular test (um, there's A LOT).

Since it's Monday, please go check out Lydia's Medical Monday post, as well as Laura's Mental Health Monday post.

In addition, please go visit Justine Dell's blog. She was my very first crit partner, and while I was in Indiana, I went to meet her in person for the first time (she lives in Bloomington, IN). She's posting about it today ... along with some pictures (this may come as a surprise to some of you, but I'm not actually a stick figure with 18-inch-long fingers). I don't really deserve the things she says about me, but what she writes about how fun and amazing our day was--that's absolutely true.

So ... back to the Rorschach. What do you think--is it scored how you expected? More complicated? Less? I haven't even started to talk about how to actually interpret it--are you intrigued or bored? Is it as mysterious as it seemed last week, or does it seem more mundane?

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Trigeminal Neuralgia Awareness!

The lack of awareness out there astounds me. People haven't a clue what Trigeminal Neuralgia is, they think it's no big deal. Someone the other day told me that she had neuralgia after getting a tooth extraction, and after a few days the pain went. Trying to explain what TN is can be a battle. People don't understand, because I look fine. I have no open wounds, no broken bones and o visible sign of pain. It is so frustrating!

The International Trigeminal Neuralgia Awareness Day is on October 7th this year. We need to spread the word about this condition. Please share this post, and I would welcome any suggestions about promoting awareness.
 
Television, radio and print media are options, and I intend on contacting several different programmes, stations and newspapers. If there is a celebrity out there with some understanding of Trigeminal Neuralgia, it would be awesome to get their support.

I would like if other people with TN would join me.

When Life Seems Like A Cruel Social Psych Experiment

By now, you've all heard about it. About two weeks ago, a self-published author named Jacqueline got her book reviewed on an obscure book blog. The reviewer, Big Al, gave a mixed review. He said the story was good, but the grammar, punctuation, and phrasing made it difficult to get through.

Jacqueline didn't take it well.

Monday (completely coincidentally, the day I posted about the dangers of aggressive venting to cope with anger), things got wild. The author's comments got strident and then offensive. She attacked the reviewer and some of the folks who defended him. And was the writing community going to stand for that? Oh HELLS no.

It went viral. I watched it go down. Dozens of Tweets flew through my feed, all linking to Big Al's blog. After seeing several, I bit. I went over there to see what was happening.

Whoa. Over the next few hours, I witnessed an amazing live demonstration of several psychological concepts. It was so extreme that it left me with the feeling I have if I find a $20 on the sidewalk. All right, where's the camera and the psych undergrad? This must be an experiment.

Sadly, I don't think it was. So, here's your social psychology refresher:

The Bandwagon Effect: When something's popular, people tend to go along with it for social reasons. We jump on.

• When I first checked Big Al's blog, he had 75 followers (I'd bet a lot that was double what he had first thing Monday morning). At the writing of this post, less than 48 hours later, he has 614.
• Monday morning, he had less than 10 comments on that review post. By the time he closed comments late Monday afternoon (less than 8 hours later), there were 307. But that didn't stop anyone. In another of his posts, there are now 85 comments, most of which were left after the other thread was closed.
• At Absolute Write, the thread started to discuss the debacle has over 250 responses now.
• The book in question had exactly 3 reviews Monday morning. Last I checked, there were 68 reviews, and 54 of them were 1 star. Most of those folks had never read the book.

SO there you go. Bandwagon Effect. Most (but definitely not all) of the comments were very disdainful of the author and her behavior (and I would say this is a demonstration of another concept called "natural consequences"). After a very short while, few people had new things to say, but that didn't stop them from saying something. They were adding their voices to the deafening chorus of disapproval. I believe they did so in part because it was the popular thing to do, but I also think they did it because of:

The Downward Comparison: We feel good when we compare ourselves to less fortunate, less talented, less well-behaved, less shiny others. The concept of schadenfreude is closely related--taking pleasure in the misfortune of others. This could also be called the *points and laughs* phenomenon.

• There were several gleeful responses in the comment stream, heaping insults and ridicule, discussing how the author had committed "career suicide."
• The reviews at Amazon were full of harsh pronouncements such as "I know pre-school children with better grammar", "would make good toilet paper if it was printed", "semi-illiterate author", and on and on. Several reviews make fun in different ways, from making crude jokes based on the title of the book (which, unfortunately, lends itself to such things) to mocking the author's various grammatical errors in her comments and the book.

I think some of these reviews and comments were influenced by another phenomenon:

Group Polarization: The tendency of people to make decisions that are more extreme when they're in a group compared to when they're alone. I really think many of the people who added their two cents would not have said things in quite the same way if so many others hadn't fanned the flames, so to speak. It sort of pushed the limit, made more extreme speech acceptable.

But wait, there's more!

Online Disinhibition Effect: This is a newer term, coined within the last ten years, that refers to how some people disclose or act out more intensely online than they would in person. I believe (hope), to some extent, the author herself was influenced by this phenomenon. It's clear many of the commenters, including the hundreds of anonymous commenters, were. There are a host of variables that influence the strength of online disinhibition effect, and I'll definitely talk about them in a separate post.

A minority of commenters raised concerns for the author, especially in light of the sheer volume of negativity crashing over her. I believe what they've had to say has tempered the bandwagon/schadenfreude to some extent. Yesterday evening, at least 10 of the Amazon reviews had been deleted (but as of this morning, they have been replaced by others). The rate of the comments has slowed to a trickle. Part of it is that our attention spans are short. Part of it is that I think some folks, once they removed themselves from the frothy feeding frenzy, realized a more measured response might be called for.

Briefly (I know this is long and I'm sorry), here's how I feel about the whole thing.

As an author, I was shocked at the author's behavior. In my opinion, it was unacceptable by any standard. I thought she deserved to hear that her hostile behavior was unacceptable.

As a psychologist, I wanted people to take a step back and ask themselves WHY? Why would this author act out like that? What could be driving her? This book obviously means the world to her; it's an extension of her. And perhaps there are other things going on in her life. Perhaps she was thinking of this as her big chance to make a name for herself. Perhaps it was the one thing in her life over which she felt control. Perhaps it was the only thing she felt good about, proud of. Perhaps it was the slim thread that kept her attached to her self-worth.

I won't be doing any armchair diagnostic evaluation here. I have no idea who this woman is. But when clients come to me or any other mental health professional, there are often regrettable behaviors in their pasts. There are always reasons for it. And if we figure out what those reasons are, we might be able to change things to keep the past from repeating.

I am in no way excusing Jacqueline's behavior. She made a big mistake, and man, is she paying for it. But if we step back and wonder why she behaved that way, we might feel more compassion for her, and maybe that compassion will stay our fleet fingers, for a moment at least, before we press the Post Comment button.

How did you find out about this incident? How did you feel about it? Do you think the behavior justified the response? Do you follow Big Al now (he seems like a fair, thoughtful reviewer, by the way)? Were you like me--a riveted spectator? Or did you comment (it's ok to admit)? If so, what got you going? If not, what held you back? Do you have any other easy examples of The Bandwagon Effect, or any of these other concepts?

Plausibility Check Can a loved one trigger a flashback

Here's another question from Rachael at Writers' Chasm:

My male MC has a mother with PTSD. [Describes traumatic situation, after which mother believes son is dead for a brief period of time] She refuses to get help for her PTSD and never leaves home. She also has a panic attack whenever she sees her son because he reminds her of the terror of that day. Is this realistic? 

Rachael's character would probably be experiencing a flashback when something reminds her of the trauma, and flashbacks vary in their severity. During some, people re-experience the trauma to the point of temporarily losing their connection with reality. During others, it's just a momentary jolt at a reminder of the trauma (commonly called a "trigger"). It sounds like this character is having a pretty severe flashback if she's having panic symptoms.

In this case, the woman's son, someone she's lived with for a long time, is reminding her of the trauma. So the question is: Could someone's own loved one trigger a flashback?

Well ...

Yes.

With some caveats.

First, I'm not talking about whether a loved one's behavior could trigger a flashback. That DEFINITELY happens. For example, I've worked with women who had been battered by their boyfriends or spouses. Usually the reason they come to me is because their son or daughter is aggressive or defiant. And in the cases where the mother has been traumatized, sometimes the child's aggressive behavior toward her triggers a flashback (which, of course, leads to a less-than-effective parenting response to the aggression).

But that's not what I'm talking about here. In this case, just the loved one's presence is causing the flashback. And here's how it could happen for this character: She sees her son, and she re-experiences the horror of thinking he was dead and all the images/memories associated with that period of time. Now, just seeing him could then set off a feeling of relief, like "Oh, thank god, you're here and you're not dead." And that would help her calm down. BUT, if her thoughts spun in another direction: "If you died, I wouldn't survive, I couldn't go on, it would be so terrible, oh no oh no oh no ..." then it's a whole different ballgame.

It's all in the thoughts.

If you read Wednesday's post, you saw me say that treatment for PTSD involves helping the person reframe her thoughts to avoid that kind of panic. But also, treatment involves exposure to the memories of the event until the person is able to tolerate them.

And here's where a loved one as a trauma-trigger gets tricky. IF she was exposed to her son's presence every day, she'd be more likely to get over the trauma. That's because just being around him would trigger the memories, and if she remained in his presence for awhile, her distress would probably wane. BUT if she avoided him diligently, then that habituation (i.e., a reduction in her distress as she got used to his presence) wouldn't happen as quickly, if at all.

So--yes, a loved one could be a trigger for a traumatic reaction. But at the same time, just being around someone a lot would likely help recovery (from that particular trigger, at least). And again, if the thoughts are negative or maladaptive (e.g., "this is so terrible" as opposed to "thank god it wasn't worse"), then the trauma reaction will be stronger and more persistent.

If any of you have questions about mental disorders or the plausibility of psychological symptoms or reactions, please feel free to email me at strangestsituation (at) comcast (dot) net.

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