Happiness control shame and vulnerability

If you've experienced panic disorder, odds are good you're a connoisseur of shame. Your unwillingness or inability to behave the way your peers are behaving -- to go where you want or do what you want or speak with whom you want, when you want -- has made you at least periodically fairly disgusted with yourself.

(It's a big club. Welcome!)

Researcher Brene Brown has looked into the phenomenon of shame to a deeper extent than most. According to her, shame -- the niggling question, "Is there something about me that makes me unworthy of love or admiration?" -- is the primary enemy of connection and happiness.

According to her, there's only one thing that separates people who have a strong sense of love and belonging from those who don't: They believe they're worthy. Here's what she has to say about those who possess this sense of self-worth:

What they had in common was a sense of courage -- the original definition of courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. These folks had the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first, and then to others, because as it turns out we can't practice compassion with other people unless we can treat ourselves kindly. And they had connection as a result of authenticity; they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were.

The other thing they had in common was that they fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable or excruciating, just about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say "I love you" first, the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees. The willingness to breath through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. The willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out.

They thought this was fundamental. I personally thought it was betrayal. I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research. The definition of research is to study phenomena for the explicit reason of controlling and predicting, and now my mission to control and predict had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability, and to stop controlling and predicting.

Brown's is an inspiring presentation, like so many of the other TED talks. But how do we get to a place of being better able to live with vulnerability? How do we stop trying to squeeze panic out of our lives through force of will? Stop trying to circumscribe our lives such that we avoid putting ourselves in places and states of mind that trigger fear? Brown doesn't have much of an answer. Do you?

Some ideas:

• Meditate
• Exercise
• Get cognitive-behavioral therapy