Over at PsychCentral's World of Psychology blog, Dr. John Grohol recently made a nice post entitled Where Do Friends Go when You're Coping with a Crisis? He writes, "Have you ever noticed that when something bad happens to you or to someone close to you in your life (like a son or daughter, or a parent), some friends might offer help, while others disappear?"
Most of those who've experienced mental health crises can relate.
Grohol's blog post is built around a
New York Times article which cites feelings of helplessness, vulnerability, guilt, and awkwardness among the reasons why people fail to "show up" and help friends in need emotionally or logistically. From the article:
“We all live in some degree of terror of bad things happening to us,” said Barbara M. Sourkes, associate professor of pediatrics at the Stanford University School of Medicine. “When you’re confronted by someone else’s horror, there’s a sense that it’s close to home.”
Dr. Sourkes works with families confronted with the unfolding trauma of a child’s serious, and possibly fatal, illness. “Other people’s reactions are multifaceted,” she said. “There’s no formula, and it’ll change from person to person.” The only certainty is that traumatic events change relationships outside the family as well as within it.
Often the closer one feels to the family in crisis, the harder it is to cope. “Most people cannot tolerate the feeling of helplessness,” said Jackson Rainer, a professor of psychology at Georgia Southern University who has studied grief and relationships. “And in the presence of another’s crisis, there’s always the sense of helplessness.”
Feelings of vulnerability can lead to a kind of survivor’s guilt: People are grateful that the trauma didn’t happen to them, but they feel deeply ashamed of their reactions. Such emotional discomfort often leads them to avoid the family in crisis; as Dr. Sourkes put it, “They might, for instance, make sure they’re never in a situation where they have to talk to the family directly.”
Awkwardness is another common reaction — not knowing what to say or do. Some people say nothing; others, in a rush to relieve the feelings of awkwardness, blurt out well-intentioned but thoughtless comments, like telling the parent of a child with cancer, “My grandmother went through this, so I understand.”
Importantly, Grohol discusses the necessity of reaching out to our friends when we're in trouble. Unfortunately, shame can make asking for help a difficult task. But typically our friends
do want to help, and just need a nudge to get them past whatever's making them hesitate, or to see that yes, indeed, there is something they can do. Grohol's advice:
Ask your friends to help out with specific things — the more specific the better. This may not stop others from their distancing behavior, but it has a good chance of making yourself feel less isolated. It also makes them feel like they’re doing something that is actually helping you, which is an empowering feeling.
