Social Phobia and Parties

Another party disaster.

My friend Jana had a house warming party at her place.

There were a few people I recognized. I thought I would be ok to talk and enjoy myself.

I deliberately came late thinking that I wouldn't be anxious about people looking at me when I came in the room if the party was already in full swing.

Coming in the door, Jana and her husband welcomed me and offered me a gin and tonic, showed me where the food was and said they were so happy to see me.

"How are things going with you? " Jana asked.

"Oh great!" I said smiling. "I love your new house!" I replied smiling.

"Thanks very much" said Jana "We are enjoying it"

"Yes it's such a nice neighborhood - you must be very happy here" (me)

Then as this conversation dwindled the doorbell rang again and Jana had to leave to greet new guests.

Anxiety Takes Over

I was suddenly alone and vulnerable - standing there clutching my drink.

Sipping, glancing around, sipping, glancing around, smile at no one in particular. Sip. Sip.

Deep inside I start to panic. I just got here. I have no one to talk to. I can't leave yet and this party is going to be going on for the rest of the evening.

Ideas flood my head:

• I could suddenly leave saying I had just been struck with an intense migraine headache.
• I could excuse myself saying that I had just gotten an emergency call on my cell that my elderly mother was in the hospital.
• I could go to the washroom for a few minutes to check my hair and makeup and hope things will change when I come out.
• I could go to the food table and try to mingle with anyone else who is there.

I decided on the last option. It was more "normal" and at least it bought me a little time.

I walk slowly to the food table with what I hope is a friendly, relaxed, casual, interesting and very friendly look on my face.

I take a plate, and chat with the person next to me "Wow doesn't this look good?" (me) "Yes she's such a good cook isn't she? (them)

Then I remember something I think people suggest you say at parties where you don't know anyone.

"And how do you know Jana?"

"I'm her sister" she replies.

"Oh wow , nice, very nice to meet you"

"Yes you too" She smiles kindly and excuses herself and moves away to carry food plates back to her husband.

I am alone again. My heart is racing, I feel like I might pass out, I need to calm down and relax. Social anxiety has it's ice cold grip on me.

The room seems to be filled with people laughing, singing, talking and having fun. They all seem to know each other.

A roar of laughter erupts across the room. These people were having a fun time they would be talking about for days.

Why can't I be like that?

I have issues with social anxiety.

Gotta get this cured.

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A Recipe for Phobia

Today's post is in response to a question from Lenny Lee, whose MC has an intense fear of clowns, otherwise known as Coulrophobia.

If you're wondering, the prefix, "coulro", actually comes from the Ancient Greek term for "stilt-walker".

Anyway, Lenny's MC is in the circus, so having coulrophobia could really cramp his style. For the purposes of characterization, Lenny wanted to know what could cause someone to be afraid of clowns. Well.

Exhibit A

There is a bit of research to suggest that children might be afraid of clowns simply because of their appearance. From birth, babies recognize and respond to the human face. That's what we're programmed to do. They pay extra attention to the face, in fact, and attend to it more than anything else. So when a body type is human-shaped but the face is somehow distorted, like, say, with a giant red nose and exaggerated mouth ... yeah. There's a mismatch there, and some kids react with fear.

But Lenny's question is excellent overall, because there are all types of phobias, and it makes sense to wonder where they come from.

First, fear is adaptive. Many people have phobias for things that it makes some sense to be afraid of, evolutionarily speaking. Like spiders, snakes, heights, etc. Although these things are rarely an actual threat for those living in modern civilization, there was a time when these things presented a real danger. This is related to that double-edge I keep mentioning. Fear is our friend, when it's appropriate. It keeps us safe and out of harm's way. But if it's misdirected or too extreme, it can really cause trouble.

Second, some people are just genetically predisposed to anxiety.  This is well-established in research, but also, I can tell you that I rarely see an anxious child in my office with a parent who denies a history of anxiety in the family. It's almost always there. Some people are just wired to attend to threatening stimuli more closely than others, and their sympathetic nervous systems are wired to respond with an extreme fight-or-flight reaction.

Third, sometimes, things happen. Many phobias are the result of a traumatic incident, often, but not necessarily, in childhood. Like getting stung by a bee and developing a fear of bees. I've worked with kids who had a choking scare and refused to eat. Any scary incident could result in a phobia that ranges from short-lived to lifelong.

Please pet me.

Fourth, sometimes things get generalized. A scary experience can morph as it gets processed by our brains. A fear of vaccinations can become a fear of doctors, and then of visiting a medical facility in general. Sometimes the phobia includes associated experiences or people. This happens by classical conditioning.

Did you ever hear about that poor kid, Albert, who was punked by an evil psychologist? Or, erm, technically speaking, the psychologist, John Watson, conditioned Albert to be afraid of white rats. He did this by sounding a loud noise every time baby Albert reached out to pet the rat (this was the 1920s, when parents were apparently less squeamish about allowing their babies to pet rodents). By pairing the scary noise with the cute rodent, Watson taught baby Albert to fear the adorable white rat.

Please pet me?

Albert's fear actually generalized to other fluffy white things, including Watson himself,  who appeared before him in a Santa Claus get-up with a beard made out of cotton balls. I can't imagine why a small child would have been afraid of that.

So, for the purposes of Lenny's story, his MC might just have a natural fear of clowns from childhood, which may be exacerbated by a genetic predisposition to anxiety. Or the phobia could have developed from a particularly scary experience with a clown (from a child's perspective, this could be as simple as an unfamiliar adult in a clown mask getting too close to him). Or, additionally, the fear could have developed from a negative experience, like maybe getting hurt or lost or sick at a circus, and seeing a clown while feeling that way, which would lead to an association between feeling bad or hurt and clowns.

There you go. A recipe for delicious, delicious phobia.

Do you have a phobia? I myself have a fear of parallel parking. I am fully aware of the ways I could cure this fear (by, uh, doing it over and over again in increasing degrees of difficulty), but I have not yet undertaken such an endeavor. How about you? If you do have a phobia, how does it get in your way? Or is it just a normal fear? Remember, to have a phobia, it has to actually IMPAIR you in some way.

I love psychology-related writing questions, so please keep them coming!

Be sure to check out Laura's  Mental Health Monday post, which also features a question from a reader today (about bipolar disorder), as well as Lydia's Medical Monday post.

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