Feelings of Inadequacy

Just as waves batter the cliffs, depression frequently buffets its victims with feelings of inadequacy. When I was depressed I often lamented over what I used to be like, when I felt free and filled with purpose. When I had been serving as an assistant pastor, I felt of value to the Lord and that I was achieving something with my life.

More than anything I wanted to be normal again but instead was afflicted by disturbing mental, physical and emotional discomfort, all day, every day. I was certain that my mind and body were plotting and raging against me in spite. I remember looking at other people, whether in the flesh or on TV, and wishing that I could trade places with any one of them. I considered myself useless, of no value, unable to do anything, the most worthless of all His children, while those others lived fulfilling lives.

I wrote down how I felt about myself in my diary.

8th Feb 1990 –
Oh Jesus, I’m so inadequate, so helpless,
I’m so full of fears.
I know they are there,
But how do I get rid of them?

28th Feb 1990 –
Oh Jesus, please don’t tarry any longer - help me!
How do You look at me now?
Are you angry with me for blaming You?
And for getting angry with You?
Or do you understand?
And love me all the more?

A few days later, Sunday 4th March, 1990, the Lord spoke directly to my heart through a prophetic word the pastor shared from the pulpit. I recorded the amazing, encouraging words in my diary a few days later.

7th March 1990 –
Sunday morning at church was good, and one prophecy must have been from Jesus to me only. The prophecy was, "God has heard how you've said you are useless, hopeless, the worst of His servants - useless to Him, and that He must be disappointed in you. How can He possibly love you? Yet He wants you to know that He loves you, that He sees all this as the stumblings of a child learning how to walk. He does not consider you useless."

This prophetic word encouraged me greatly in the ‘here and now,’ that God was not disappointed in me, still loved me, and saw me as His precious child. The word also described how what I was going through would benefit me in the future. Depression felt like the end of the world at the time, but it was in fact me stumbling through life as part of the learning process: learning to rely upon Him instead of on my feelings; learning to be content whatever my circumstances instead of fighting and fearing them. And going through the difficult process of unlearning erroneous thought processes and allowing my thoughts to become captive to the mind of Christ.

On the topic of God viewing us as His children, I am reminded of another time several years ago when I was thinking of my son, a baby at that time. I thought of his innocence, his trusting nature – virtually unsullied by sin, and the spontaneous, innocent way in which he laughed and explored his surroundings. I thought of myself, and in comparison, I felt unworthy and unclean. I looked to Jesus and said, “Oh Lord, I wish you saw me as someone innocent and pure, like I see my son.” To my surprise, He answered immediately, saying with affection, “I do.”

And then I remembered that I am His precious child, and more - a new creation made innocent and pure by His atoning work on the Cross.

So let us be encouraged, and rejoice in the love that the Lord has for us. Our lives may seem to be messed up, we may feel useless and worthless, but that is not how He sees us. He treasures us and loves us and does not consider us useless. He understands what we are going through.

Hebrews 4:14-16 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

If we are feeling inadequate or worthless, let us rejoice that even so, we are still beautiful in His eyes, because He makes all things beautiful in His time - yes, even us. “He hath made every thing beautiful in his time.” Ecclesiastes 3:11 (KJV)

Here are the lyrics of one of the most beautiful songs I have heard, based on that very passage.

In His time, in His time,
He makes all things beautiful in His time.
Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing, in Your time.

In Your time, in Your time,
You make all things beautiful in Your time.
Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing, in Your time.

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All verses from the NIV unless stated otherwise.